Further Clarification

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There has been some confusion, so I am here to set the record straight. Pope Awesomus I is entirely distinct from Brad Ausmus. Admittedly, Pope Awesomus I did not go to Dartmouth or play 14 major league seasons. However, Brad Ausmus has an OPS of .666 against left handed pitchers. This is a sure sign that he is not a true leader of the Church. Don't be deceived.

Oh, And By the Way...

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If you don't believe that any old dork can declare himself Pope, you've clearly never heard of Pope Micheal.

You might want to especially check out this page and this page.

"Roma locuta est. Causa finita est." Thou shalt "Paste text here"!

You Can't Excommunicate Me, I'm Baptized!*

I haven't told too many people this yet, but I'm starting my own Church. I am calling myself Pope Awesomus I, but I still haven't decided on the a name for the Church itself. I'm open to suggestions in the comments.

Riad is my first Cardinal, but if any of you would like to become a Cardinal (or hold a position on one my Congregations) let me know. So far, I'm still holding out for Tommy to be the head of the Congregation for the Promulgation of the Pizza. Any others are open.

Don't worry, I'm not actually planning on permanently leaving the Catholic Church. I'm just holding out to have my new Church recognized as a rite. I will gladly reduce my position to Patriarch Awesomus I once the Pope recognizes us. Until the Liturgy of Awesomus can be completed, we will be using the Liturgy of John Chrysostom (since the church offering it is less than 2 blocks from where I live). But I will not forbid my followers to go to Novus Ordo, Tridentine, Divine Liturgy of St. James, the Divine Liturgy of St. Mark or the Divine Liturgy of St. Basil either. But I will not allow liturgical dancing under any circumstances.

*In case any of you were worried about my eternal soul, don't be. I have recently learned that schismatics are still totally ok. A learned schismatic canon lawyer has informed me that baptism makes you totally immune to all that nasty excommunication stuff that Rome is always all up in our grill about.

200 Proof Excellence

I was just reading my friend Tommy's blog when I realized how good one of his old articles is. A girl wrote a trying-to-be-edgy Viewpoint in the Marquette Tribune about how it's a shame that a Catholic school does not provide students with contraception.

Tommy and I refused to be outdone. If someone out there is lowering the level of discourse, we can always go lower. Don't even try.

What we came up with was this. Booger jokes? Yeah, we went there.

Marquette students have boogers. There, I said it. We all get them. What do we do with them? Some scratch them. Others pick them discreetly with Kleenex. Still others brazenly dive in wrist-deep. I am one of those who dive right in.

Thrilling, compelling stuff. If you don't believe this could possibly get published in a serious journalistic publication, you're right.

Edit: It appears that the Tribune site doesn't have the entirety of the Cura Vaginalis article. You can find the full text and a good commentary on the whole event here.

The Tribune is Catching On

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