Best... Google Search... Ever!

According to Google Analytics someone found this blog with the following search phrase:

What name does hooters come up as on your bank statement?

I have to wonder if this guy is trying to hide it from his wife, or attempting to get reimbursed at work, or wondering how he's going to explain to the charges to the treasurer of his school's feminist organization that he tried so hard to become a member of because the vice president is cute and sat by him in Bio but never talked to him because he was socially awkward and short and didn't ok where am I going with this?

Anyway, Mr. Guy-Who-Is-Trying-to-Hide-a-Hooters-Visit is from Kentucky and visited my site on November 12. For shame! You know who you are.

This Post Brought to You By Fixodent and Mueslix!

I'm old. Those of you who know me know that this post is belated. I have been old for week now.

Or maybe, last week I was reminded again that I am old. The truth is, I've been old for more than a week. I learned about the Jonah Brothers when CNN popped up an entertainment headline proclaiming that they were virgins. "Bully for them," I thought "Who the hell are they? What are they doing on my lawn?" Some type of musical act the kids are all listening to nowadays. These kids and their Knuckleback and Naomi Wyoming. Lawrence Welk would have shown those punks what... where was I? Where am I?

Oh yeah, how old I am. Older, in fact, than:

• A pitcher who threw a no-hit inning in the All Star game.
  
• The female lead in her third season on a primetime TV show.


• The guy who led my fantasy baseball team's pitching staff two seasons ago.


• The guy who won the NBA Slam Dunk Contest two season ago


• And lest you think I'm only including young people excelling in young people's professions...The author of Story of a Soul and a Doctor of the Church.

People younger than me

Well, I guess it could be worse. At least I'm not:

• Dating Mickey Rourke


• Dating Mel Gibson


• Dating Vladimir Putin(what's the deal with all these Russian models? Other than the chance to live a life not centered around poverty and vodka consumption, I suppose)


• Married to (then widowed by) an 82 year old

People Less Fortunate Than Me

Well, you know what they say: You're only as old as the police can prove you are. Peace out, homies!

All Kind of Fun Pictures!

It's Look At What Happens When You Leave Software Unsupervised Day (LAWHWYLSUD) at the Flametroll today. All of these were captured on my computer within the last 48 hours.


Well, that's good to know. With software like Rapid SQL, you need a notifier when unusual events happen. (See below.)


Are you asking me or telling me?

If you press No, it pops the message up again. Apparently, they're telling me.


When you allow algorithms determine headline placement, unfortunate things can happen.


According to Google Analytics, someone found The Flametroll with this search term.

Sad fact #1: Someone searched this phrase.

Sad fact #2: This phrase actually occurs on my blog. I can only imagine how proud my mother must be. There's a reason I don't talk to her about blogging. At least I had the decency to hit the space bar a couple of times.

What the Heck Facebook: Part N+3 of an M+3 Part Series

I don't mean to turn this blog into all What The Heck Facebook, all the time. But facebook could really do me a favor by not being so flat-out bizarre.



I've been looking at this picture for hours and I can't make heads nor tails of it. My eyes are starting to hurt and my roommate is wondering why I've been holed up in my room so long. He's probably making plans for what to tell the police when a strange rotting smell starts coming out of my vents.

Why is this woman wearing a tank top and a head band? More importantly, why is she standing on front of a pen of cows? How does that relate to nice guys finishing last? Am I finishing last? Does life have any inherent purpose? Why do we call cats "cats" instead of "dogs"? Would the world be any different if we did it the other way? Everything I thought I understood about the universe is crumbling around me.

What the Heck Facebook: Part N+2 of an M+2 Part Series

And just in case a Proverbs 31 Woman isn't your style, there's another option:

What the Heck Facebook: Part N+1 of an M+1 Part Series

Today's special offering on facebook: a Proverbs 31 woman!

For, as Proverbs 31 teaches us:

Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

Wow, I know marriage can be tough, but that seems a little extreme to me. Definitely not the best way to sell a dating service, if you ask me.

What? I'm reading the wrong section, you say? Speak up, it's hard to hear you from all the way over here.

I guess this ad must referring to the second half of Proverbs 31.

She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. [...]
She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

That's important, I suppose. We can't have the maidens of our household starving to death. How on earth would you explain that to the police? "Sir, didn't you used to have 6 maidens in this household?" "Yes, officer, but we went away for the weekend and forgot to leave food out for them. They ate one of their own."

And if they want to stay in my household, they better not be vegetarians. "Give them meat!" I'll say to Mrs. Proverbs31-Flametroll. "None of that tofu garbage for the maidens of my household!"

And I definitely won't be marrying someone who can't handle a distaff. What are they teaching in home-ec these days? (I'm a little concerned by the number of hands Mrs. P31-F is going to have. I don't consider it a requirement that she be able to have hands on a distaff and hands on a spindle at the same time.)

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

This one's important in Milwaukee. There's going to be a lot of snow, so my kids better be wearing bright red when it comes.

This post made possible by tacky facebook advertisers everywhere... and viewers like you.

Live-blogging the Health Care Speech

Some highlights (I'll see if I can find these on youtube later):

Joe Biden in the background nodding and blinking too much, like a girl at a bar trying to convince her friends she's sober.

The dressed and shaved panhandler with a sign reading "What bill?" I think it might have originally said "Will bathe."

That one guy holding up a fat copy of the bill during a standing ovation, not smiling or clapping, just holding.

President Obama just threatened people who talk smack about the bill. "I will call you out." As he said earlier "My door is always open." According to some sources, an intial draft continued "And I am always prepared to take this outside if that's how you want to settle this, mofo."

The big fake smile John McCain made every time Obama complimented him. Something like "Hahahahaf-youhahaha!"

That one time Obama mentioned the Republicans and they all sat there for a second before standing up. Then they kept sneaking glances at each other like "Oh my gosh, he just talked about us! Obama just talked about us on national TV! I'm totally going to post this in my LiveJournal tonight!"*

Today on Lack of Context Theater: "We plan to set up panels of bureaucrats to deny coverage to senior citizens" -- President Obama

I'm not sure about other channels but CNBC didn't have any audio of the Republican's response speech. We switched over to CNN and Larry King was interviewing John McCain. Fun fact: their combined ages predate the Civil War. Bonus fun fact: Neither of them was alive last time the Cubs won the World Series. Bonus bonus fun fact: Larry King hasn't appeared on television in over a decade, since being replaced by a life-like mannequin in the later '90s.

Larry King-droid 2000 just implied that McCain may not have found Obama's compliments particularly flattering. I have to give CNN credit, the algorithms for perception of human emotion are pretty good.

Barney Frank and Ben Stein are coming on next, so I'm definitely not changing the channel. I hope Barney Frank is appearing via hologram.

Who looks drunker today? Biden or Frank? Did they just pump the whole auditorium full of nerve gas? Or maybe whiskey vapor.

King-Droid almost called Ben Stein and Barney "Ben Franklin." The jokes write themselves.

Anderson Cooper switched the "p" in ownership with a "t".

The Jameson just came out, so that means it's about time to wrap this up!

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* Basically the same expression I was wearing all night.