He's Still Posting?!?

Sorry, I know I've been filling up your RSS feeds lately. But I keep getting interesting spam, so what do you want me to do?

When I saw this one, I was so amused by the Gmail "preview" sentence, that I just had to open it (after checking for attachments of course).

Hi Friend,

I am Melissa Agnes Able, 25 yrs old girl in search of a man who understands love as trust and faith rather seeing it as a way of fun always but a matured man with sense of humour. I’m interested in having a relationship with you and I want to know more about you, let see if we can share common interest together.

I think we should be friends and get acquainted, cause you seem pretty fun, and cute! (It’s ever so hard to tell in this digital world :) anyway, I want to get a response from you...Then maybe we could chat sometime! You know what they say, appearance wins over the eyes, but personality wins over the heart...haha.

I believe we can start from here; if you don’t mind you can email me back with brief introduction of your self and I shall tell you more details that you will like to know about me including pictures of me so you can see how beautiful I am. Enjoy your beautiful day, talk to you very soon.


[Ed: yes, it really was in Comic Sans]

A "matured[sic] man with sense of humour"? You clearly haven't been reading my blog, Melissa.

I don't think I've ever had a relationship start with "I think we should be friends." I guess we can get the define-the-relationship and the breakup talks over all on the same day. That will certainly save some time.

Also, she thinks I'm cute. This is my Gmail user picture: Me Lots of descriptions come to mind: serious, studious, pompous, self-absorbed, sepia-tinted. I'm sure you can think of plenty more; feel free to put them in the comments so I can keep my raging ego in check.

"You know what they say, appearance wins over the eyes, but personality wins over the heart...haha." Actually I've never heard anyone say that, but I can overlook your awkward over-long made-up proverb because you actually spelled out "haha." I appreciate good onomatopoeic email laughter. Thank you for not LOLing.

In fact, having passed that hurdle the only thing standing between you and this sepia-tinted hunk is that you agree to the Scrabble/President naming rules for my children. In fact I was just discussing those rules with Bobby the other day. I think laying down the rules for naming your hypothetical progeny is a great conversation starter for a first date. "The best part" Bobby said "is that they'll all be first dates."

So anyway, Melissa, I hope we can keep in contact. I should tell you that I'm filthy rich in Nigeria. If you don't mind sending me your bank account numbers, I can get that money into the United States and leave you a healthy share of it. Please do be keeping correspondance in order for ease of transferring appreciated!

Tonight's Nightmare Material Brought to You By...

Or maybe he's a Bond villain

No, this isn't a before-and-after shot of Major Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's an artist and his art. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Sex-C Time!

I decided to check my spam filter to make sure I wasn't missing the email from the previously mentioned Acer lady. Her email was not there, but there was an email warning me to "Beware of Undefined Sex!!!" I'm not sure what undefined sex is, but I have a guess.

#include <stdio.h>
#include <sexlib.h>

    int* person;

I'm not sure what exactly would happen, but it would end badly for sure.

In Which I Adminster My Own Tech Support in Spite of the Tech Support Lady's Attempts to Stop Me

I bought a monitor for my laptop last week. It's 23" and pretty great, when it works. Which is not now. Now it doesn't work at all. I'm pretty decent with electronic equipment, and I've tried every permutation of plugging, unplugging and pushing buttons on this thing. No dice.

So I called Acer's help line. After taking my information, the monitor's information, asking me what the serial number of my computer is (it's a Mac and does not have an Acer SI number, strangely enough), she finally got down to troubleshooting.

"Unplug the monitor and hold the power button for 30 seconds."

"From the computer or from the power?"


Now I have no idea what effect you might get from holding down the power button on an unplugged monitor, but she's the Acer person not me. So I do. Unremarkably nothing happens.

She asks me what's wrong now. I explain that it's the same thing that was wrong before. Befuddled, she puts me on hold.

Next she tells me to plug the monitor back into the power and the computer (which we computer science majors refer to as "the actual way to use a monitor"). I do. Oddly enough, the problem persists. Her telling me to do so does not make it behave any differently from when I do it without her telling me to (tangent: that reminds me of a joke.)

Ok, she says, it appears to be a problem with the monitor. No kidding, huh. All I have to do is send it back to them (I'll pay for shipping of course). I ask where to send it to and she won't tell me. "I'll forward it to you" she says several times. I know this is crap because I never remember to forward emails to people unless they're physically sitting next to me asking for them. And there is no further way for me to get in contact with her once this conversation ends.

So sure enough, it's 10 hours later and I still have not received this mysterious email. So here's what I'm going to have to do tomorrow: pack the monitor up into its box, call Acer again and interrogate this undisclosed shipping location out of some lowly grunt, go to the post office, pay through the $crude_body_part to have it shipped, wait 2 to 4 to 26 weeks for Acer to fix it or send me another one. And it just occurs to me that I'm in the process of moving to a new apartment and I'm going to have to convince the Acer grunt I talk to tomorrow to change my shipping address to the new place because there's no way they're going to be sending my monitor back before the end of the month.

Thanks Acer! (PS, your website sucks. There is no excuse for having dozens of broken links scattered across your UNITED STATES ENGLISH-LANGUAGE PAGES!!! AND NOW YOU HAVE ME TYPING IN CAPITAL LETTERS I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND THINK ABout something more relaxing.

Man in ape suit sought for trying to steal bananas


Another Serious Post!?!?

I've been pretty hard on Barack Obama (I argued at one point that he had literally done nothing clearly right in his first few months in office). But his plan for closing Guantanamo Bay seems reasonably well thought-out. For example the proposed categories of prisonser:
-- Those who have violated American criminal laws and will be tried in federal courts;

-- Those who violated the laws of war and are best tried through military commissions;

-- Those who have been ordered released by the courts;

-- Those who can be transferred safely to another country;

-- Those who cannot be prosecuted, but pose a clear danger to the American people.


Those seem like sensible distinctions. There's something sort of commonsensically Thomistic about splitting hairs until you actually know what kind of hair you're dealing with.

Interesting Street Preacher Encounter

I was walking up the steps of the library when a kid who looked maybe 20 said "Excuse me, sir," [Ed: Sir???] "do you have a minute?"

Me: Ok...
Kid: Do you know Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior?
Me: Yes.
Kid: Cool. Don't ever lose Him. Have a nice day.
Me: You too.

That kid was cool. I've rarely run into street evangelists who seemed to care about me and what I have to say. Generally when I tell them I'm a Christian, they look for some theological minutia that they can use to claim I'm going to hell (something about saying I eat Jesus' body really seems to make them edgy). I appreciate that he wasn't looking to argue or confront me or be proven right. He just wanted to make sure, if I didn't already know, that Jesus loves me. Thanks, kid!

Five Years of Crap!

My very first post on this blog was five years ago today! In that time, you've gotten lame-brained opinions and stupid booger jokes. And there were some posts that weren't as good either.

For those of you who laughed your way through the last 361 posts, I thank you. For those of you who have unwillingly slogged through them on the advice of your spiritual director, I also thank you. I'd appreciate if you pray for me too because I'm going to be sweating it out in Spa Purgatory (mostly for the offenses I've commited outside of this blog, believe it or not).

So, in conclusion, see you all in five years! I'll be an old man (Remind me then that I said so, so that I can realize how young and foolish I used to be).