I haven't told too many people this yet, but I'm starting my own Church. I am calling myself Pope Awesomus I, but I still haven't decided on the a name for the Church itself. I'm open to suggestions in the comments.
Riad is my first Cardinal, but if any of you would like to become a Cardinal (or hold a position on one my Congregations) let me know. So far, I'm still holding out for Tommy to be the head of the Congregation for the Promulgation of the Pizza. Any others are open.
Don't worry, I'm not actually planning on permanently leaving the Catholic Church. I'm just holding out to have my new Church recognized as a rite. I will gladly reduce my position to Patriarch Awesomus I once the Pope recognizes us. Until the Liturgy of Awesomus can be completed, we will be using the Liturgy of John Chrysostom (since the church offering it is less than 2 blocks from where I live). But I will not forbid my followers to go to Novus Ordo, Tridentine, Divine Liturgy of St. James, the Divine Liturgy of St. Mark or the Divine Liturgy of St. Basil either. But I will not allow liturgical dancing under any circumstances.
*In case any of you were worried about my eternal soul, don't be. I have recently learned that schismatics are still totally ok. A learned schismatic canon lawyer has informed me that baptism makes you totally immune to all that nasty excommunication stuff that Rome is always all up in our grill about.