Another Music Award!

Today, I am proud to present another music award that has never before been given outside of my head. It's the Never Let You Go Award for Spectacularly Bad Songwriting.

This award commemorates the Third Eye Blind song, Never Let You Go, which contains several classic lines:

"You say that I've changed
Well maybe I did
But even if I changed
Whats wrong with it?"

and also

"If theres a reason
It's lost on me
Maybe we'll be friends
I guess we'll see"

As you can see, a song must follow in this these legendary footsteps to earn the prestigious NLYGAFSBS (or Nillygaffsibus, as they are affectionately known in the industry).

I am pleased to announce Nickelback!

Their song Photograph contains a number of clunkers. Practically every verse deserves a mention, but the opening lines are what really caught my attention:

"Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head?"

Not only are the words ridiculous (I don't know, what the hell is on Joey's head? The world may never know. And who the hell is Joey anyway?), but they don't have any semblance of rhythm. Just try to make those stresses and syllables fit into rhythmic pattern.

Undaunted by lyricism or melody writing, Nickelback plows on.

"And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out"

1) He just rhymed "up" with "up"!
2) The third line is just confusing.
3) Why does he go from talking about his dilapidated house to talking about sneaking out? To better transition into the next verse about skipping school? And if he hated school so much, why did he break in "half a dozen times"?

"Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed"

The awkwardness of the whole song, combined with the awkwardness of him telling us this and the awkwardness of the phrasing of this little confession, makes my teeth hurt like when when you bite down on ice.

The reason I am commenting on this relatively old song is that I heard it on the radio today and it caught my attention. When the song ended, the radio station I was listening to played a little commercial clip along the lines of "We play the music you want to hear!" I think that was their way of saying "You really have no one to blame but yourselves."

We honor you, Nickelback! Keep phoning in those lyrics, we can "hear you now!"

Poor Decision Making

I had Taco Bell for lunch today, then Qdoba for dinner. My stomach and I are not on good terms right now.

I am Man, Hear Me Mutter

Now that I drive on the interstate to and from work, I suddenly care about traffic reports. I can't wait for them to come on the radio and when they do, I strain to hear my highway get mentioned.

It's not that it's telling me anything I didn't know. When I'm still a mile from work 15 minutes after I leave, I'm fully aware that there are delays on 94E.

It's not that they can do anything about it. That helicopter has yet to swoop down and pick me up like Frodo Baggins and his faithful Kia, Sam, coming back from Mt. Work.

What really makes me feel good is that they are commiserating with me. They are acknowledging that I am backed up in traffic and facing major delays as an accident is blocking the left lane and the end of a Brewer game is blocking the right. As they announce delays, I sneer grimly like a crusty old seaman preparing for another Nor'easter. Whatever the gods of traffic (Saturn? Mercury?) are brewing up, I can take it like a man.

And that is what makes life satisfying.

Heads Up!

You're in luck, Flametroll fan(s)! I have a double dose of bloggness coming down the pipeline.

First point of business:

We got a newsletter at work today. The last article was my favorite. It was about the small tasks that drag people down, like returning voicemail and answering email, rather than working on high priority tasks. It had many tips including this one that I swear to Dave Barry I am not making up:
"Lower your standards. What is the minimum acceptable level of quality which can get by for this task?"