Hi everyone, I'm here today to talk about a very important and rather baffling public health issue. Yes, I think you know what I mean: sidewalk underwear.
As I am walking down the sidewalk looking at my feet like all good introverts do, with disturbing frequency I see an item of underwear lying there on the ground. Why is that?
My faithful public, this is Milwaukee! It's February. The temperature never cracked double digits yesterday. There is no reason to need to remove your undergarments. Anything you don't keep covered is in serious risk of frostbite.
And besides that, there is no good reason to place your removed undergarments on the sidewalk. There are trashcans at frequent intervals throughout the city. You may safely and confidentially dispose of your used underwear in any of those recepticals. Think of them as your very own publicly funded laundry hampers, assuming you never want to see your laundry again.
Ladies and gentlemen, I urge you to take a stand against sidewalk underwear this winter! Neither Barack Obama nor Hillary Clinton addressed this issue while they were in town. Don't allow them to "skirt" the issue. We must get to the "bottom" of this!