That's right, I'm at a bachelor party. Don't worry, ladies, I'm not the one getting married. The party is for my cousin's fiancé.
First we went to a Cardinals game at Wrigley Field. The less said about that the better, really. Except that the economy is hitting scalpers really hard and they can only afford to pay you $7 for a ticket with face value of $36. It's a hard knock life for those guys who are selling bleacher seats for $75.
We stopped at our hotel after the game. It's a Days Inn, cost only $80 for the night, has just one less bed than people in the room and I didn't feel like I was going to get murdered in the night. A net win, I'd say.
From there we decided to go to dinner. The group wanted to go to Hooters. I wasn't all that sold on the idea but I swallowed my dignity got in the car. Fortunately I had cash so I wasn't going to have to have Hooters show up on my bank statement. (hooters hooters hooters: Google please take note. Thanks.)
On the way over, we passed a restaurant called Jedi's Garden. I pointed it out. A couple of blocks later we arrived at the Hooters (hooters hooters hooters). Which looked just as classy as I had expected. It appeared to be built of aluminum shed siding. Also it was packed. At least an hour wait. I suggested we try Jedi's. My cousin asked if it looked like it would be good. "It has to be good," I said "or else it would be called Sith Lord's." Did I mention I'm not the one getting married?
Anyway we ended up going to Jedi's. A preference for puns and geek references over gaudy tacky sex is what separates us from the animals, I say. Turned out to be a good choice. It was a little family owned place with an aura of "used-to-be-a-Perkins". It did not have any apparent Star Wars connection, except that our waitress might have been a Jedi. She was serving all seven tables in our section. She seemed nice so I asked her about the name. She made a motion that may have been the Vulcan salute but also kind of looked like the "blow my brains out" hand signal. I wasn't sure if I should tell her that she was confusing Star Wars with Star Trek or be concerned that she was going to kill me. I decided not to expose my nerdiness and said nothing at all.
Anyway it turns out Jedi is a Greek name, equivalent to Jerry. Oh well. The food was good. Now we're at the hotel watching Craig Ferguson's Comedy Central special. Not a bad day after all I guess.
Now I have to get to bed because my cousin is getting up early tomorrow to compete in the Chicago Strongman contest. Seriously.
Like Shooting Fish in Barrel
The website for Microsoft's Expression Web 2 tool ("passionate about standards", "beautiful inside and out") does not render correctly in Opera.
Talents Which Do Not Make Me Seem Cool
- Remembering dozens of passwords for different computer logins, websites and emails without writing any of them down.
- Good parallel parker.
- Can reset any clock-radio.
- Calculating addition of 2 or 3 digit numbers in my head almost instantaneously.
- Reasonably good Hootie and Blowfish imitation.
- Can classify everyday activities in terms of Big-O notation.
This post is unlikely to be followed up by "Talents Which Make Me Seem Totally Awesome."
It's An Honor Just to Be Nominated
That's what I'm probably supposed to say. But if I don't win this freakin caption contest, my head is going to explode from all the rage and whatnot.
Look how funny I am! Referencing a previous caption contest, even! Don't make the internet even dumber by voting for any of that other crap.
Look how funny I am! Referencing a previous caption contest, even! Don't make the internet even dumber by voting for any of that other crap.
Running in Under-Armour
I'm not sure it controlled my sweat or regulated my body temperature, but I felt like a superhero while I was wearing it. That's all I ask.
Who Wrote This Crap?*
Right now somebody is at RottenTomatoes.com is getting yelled at for not reviewing his code before checking it into production.
*Apologies to Jeff Atwood
*Apologies to Jeff Atwood
What the Heck Facebook (Part II)
Facebook's ads keep getting more and more disturbing:
I'm also on the middle of reading American Gods, so I'm seriously getting freaked out. If I don't post anything for a while, it could be because those creepy google guys show up at my front door with a buffalo man and a four-eyed baby. In which case, look out because the storm is coming.
Whatever that means...
Coincidentally, 34% of Americans approved of the job President Bush was doing as he left office. Could there be some connection between mutant babies and George W. Bush's administration?
Nope.
I'm also on the middle of reading American Gods, so I'm seriously getting freaked out. If I don't post anything for a while, it could be because those creepy google guys show up at my front door with a buffalo man and a four-eyed baby. In which case, look out because the storm is coming.
Whatever that means...
Coincidentally, 34% of Americans approved of the job President Bush was doing as he left office. Could there be some connection between mutant babies and George W. Bush's administration?
Nope.
What is Google Hiding?
Call me a loser, but I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at random things on Google Maps' street view. I decided to zoom in on the Googleplex to see what it looks like from the street.
Apparently, they tell their employees when the car is going by, because everyone is outside waving at the camera. Proving to me that Google employs the coolest nerds around, I found a guy dressed as Link, a wedding proposal (2.0, whatever that means) and a standup cutout of Marge Simpson. But at one point in the midst of the geeky frivolity, something sinister happens.
Shot one: Googlers standing around waving.
View Larger Map
One step further down the road: the crowds are gone, replaced by two men with blurred out faces.
View Larger Map
A further step: the crowds are back, with no sign of the mysterious men.
View Larger Map
Who are these guys? Why are their faces censored? No one else in street view gets their faces blured out. Why aren't we allowed to know who these two are?
I have some theories:
1) They're government agents investigating a UFO that was captured in the original footage. They flashed the camera with their red light thingy and it erased part of the camera's memory. Will Smith was too busy making serious movies to show up, so they hired Beau Bridges to stand in for him. Also, it was casual Friday at Men In Black headquarters.
2) Google is participating in a viral marketing campaign for The Ring. Their VP of advertising will be fired next week.
3) Mitch Hedberg was right about Bigfoot.
Whatever the truth may be, Google owes it to us to come clean. Fortunately they aren't the only search engine option. I went to Yahoo and found out that [Confidential Content Redacted Per Google End User Policy].
Apparently, they tell their employees when the car is going by, because everyone is outside waving at the camera. Proving to me that Google employs the coolest nerds around, I found a guy dressed as Link, a wedding proposal (2.0, whatever that means) and a standup cutout of Marge Simpson. But at one point in the midst of the geeky frivolity, something sinister happens.
Shot one: Googlers standing around waving.
View Larger Map
One step further down the road: the crowds are gone, replaced by two men with blurred out faces.
View Larger Map
A further step: the crowds are back, with no sign of the mysterious men.
View Larger Map
Who are these guys? Why are their faces censored? No one else in street view gets their faces blured out. Why aren't we allowed to know who these two are?
I have some theories:
1) They're government agents investigating a UFO that was captured in the original footage. They flashed the camera with their red light thingy and it erased part of the camera's memory. Will Smith was too busy making serious movies to show up, so they hired Beau Bridges to stand in for him. Also, it was casual Friday at Men In Black headquarters.
2) Google is participating in a viral marketing campaign for The Ring. Their VP of advertising will be fired next week.
3) Mitch Hedberg was right about Bigfoot.
Whatever the truth may be, Google owes it to us to come clean. Fortunately they aren't the only search engine option. I went to Yahoo and found out that [Confidential Content Redacted Per Google End User Policy].
I Don't Understand Utah
Half the time they're trying to convince everyone that they aren't a state full of crazy people.
The rest of the time, they're busy putting giant phallic symbols on their quarters.
The rest of the time, they're busy putting giant phallic symbols on their quarters.
Because Everyone Should Have an Opinion about Everything
I almost find Michael Phelps' accomplishments more impressive, seeing as he's been using performance de-enhancing drugs.
For Those Times When Aggression is Inappropriate, Try Passive Aggression
To: Guy Who Opened My Washer
CC: Guy Who Designed the Washer, INTERNET-ALL-PDL
Re: Opening My Washer
When I left the laundromat briefly today to get a burrito, I expected during that time that my laundry would continue washing. I was disappointed to note that this did not occur.
The reason this did not occur was that you, GWOMW, opened my washer. As you may know from previous washer-using experience (I am assuming that, as a guy in a laundromat, you have some of that), this causes the washer to stop. Once the washer has stopped, it does not continue to wash my laundry. Instead my towels sit there, damp, soapy and forlorn, waiting patiently to be restarted. They are, however, lacking hands and unable to restart themselves. This is where you would come in. There is a button near the top of the machine which causes the washer to start up again and complete its cycle.
I realize this may be an easy mistake to make, so I have formulated a solution. At the top of the washer (next to the button which causes the washer to start--you should be intimately familiar with that button by this point), is a small display with numbers on it. Those numbers represent the number of minutes remaining in my wash cycle. If those numbers display a value greater than zero (0), this indicates that my laundy is still washing. Judicious use of this display can help prevent these types of problems in the future. I appreciate your cooperation.
GWDtW, you're not off the hook either. That place on the aforementioned display screen which says "Washer Door Locked" is clearly in error. Please see to this.
Thanks,
Guy with Still-Damp Towels
PS: Guy Who Accidentally Paid For My Dryer, I hope you're not also GWOMW because you seemed cool.
CC: Guy Who Designed the Washer, INTERNET-ALL-PDL
Re: Opening My Washer
When I left the laundromat briefly today to get a burrito, I expected during that time that my laundry would continue washing. I was disappointed to note that this did not occur.
The reason this did not occur was that you, GWOMW, opened my washer. As you may know from previous washer-using experience (I am assuming that, as a guy in a laundromat, you have some of that), this causes the washer to stop. Once the washer has stopped, it does not continue to wash my laundry. Instead my towels sit there, damp, soapy and forlorn, waiting patiently to be restarted. They are, however, lacking hands and unable to restart themselves. This is where you would come in. There is a button near the top of the machine which causes the washer to start up again and complete its cycle.
I realize this may be an easy mistake to make, so I have formulated a solution. At the top of the washer (next to the button which causes the washer to start--you should be intimately familiar with that button by this point), is a small display with numbers on it. Those numbers represent the number of minutes remaining in my wash cycle. If those numbers display a value greater than zero (0), this indicates that my laundy is still washing. Judicious use of this display can help prevent these types of problems in the future. I appreciate your cooperation.
GWDtW, you're not off the hook either. That place on the aforementioned display screen which says "Washer Door Locked" is clearly in error. Please see to this.
Thanks,
Guy with Still-Damp Towels
PS: Guy Who Accidentally Paid For My Dryer, I hope you're not also GWOMW because you seemed cool.
Just a Reminder
Today, the Shrine of the Holy Whapping linked to LOLsaints and mentioned how weird it is. I'd like you all to remember that the Shrine is really the most Catholic and Weird site on the internet.
Who Actually Likes Oil Companies?
An online acquaintance posted a link to an article congratulating Exxon Mobil for their record profits. This looks like a mutated strain of Stockholm Syndrome to me.
I also work for a company that is on good financial ground in spite of the economy (I won't specify, since I'm sure they don't want their name connected to monkey nose-picking and sexy Rod Blagojevich). So why am I angry about the oil companies and not at my own company?
To me it's a matter of what we offer. My company is one of a number of companies that offers products to help people stay financially stable during tough times. Their focus on making the customer, rather than the bottom line, the top priority has made their product consistently the best in the industry. Rather than jumping on get-rich-quick fads, they invest conservatively to ensure that they have dependable cash flow even when the economy is bad.
Oil companies, on the other hand...looking for a metaphor....have us by the crankshaft and keep twisting. Their artificially inflated $4.50/gallon gas prices are part of what hurt our economy in the first place. In the short term, they're holding us hostage*. We have no other viable options but to go to them (or another one of their competitors, who is also charging the exact same price) in order to go about our daily lives. Hopefully in the future there will be other viable alternatives and we won't have to go crawling on our knees to the oil companies when we want heat our homes and drive to work.
And that's what gets me. The people trumpeting Exxon's big profits are the fiscally conservative free-market supporters. This is an example of an unfree market. We have virtually no choice but to buy. It's practically a tax. If you don't pay the government, they send someone to your home and arrest you (Edit: or in some cases, to hire you). The oil companies have an even better business model--if we don't pay them, they let us sit at home (for lack of a car), where we'll freeze for lack of payment on a heating bill we can't pay for lack of a job.
And we free-market supporters are supposed to congratulate this system? We're supposed to think it's great? This is a prime example of letting ideology tell you what's good, instead actually looking at the real, practical results in the world.
* In the long term, someone is bound to find a decent alternative energy source. And we'll run out of oil eventually.
I also work for a company that is on good financial ground in spite of the economy (I won't specify, since I'm sure they don't want their name connected to monkey nose-picking and sexy Rod Blagojevich). So why am I angry about the oil companies and not at my own company?
To me it's a matter of what we offer. My company is one of a number of companies that offers products to help people stay financially stable during tough times. Their focus on making the customer, rather than the bottom line, the top priority has made their product consistently the best in the industry. Rather than jumping on get-rich-quick fads, they invest conservatively to ensure that they have dependable cash flow even when the economy is bad.
Oil companies, on the other hand...looking for a metaphor....have us by the crankshaft and keep twisting. Their artificially inflated $4.50/gallon gas prices are part of what hurt our economy in the first place. In the short term, they're holding us hostage*. We have no other viable options but to go to them (or another one of their competitors, who is also charging the exact same price) in order to go about our daily lives. Hopefully in the future there will be other viable alternatives and we won't have to go crawling on our knees to the oil companies when we want heat our homes and drive to work.
And that's what gets me. The people trumpeting Exxon's big profits are the fiscally conservative free-market supporters. This is an example of an unfree market. We have virtually no choice but to buy. It's practically a tax. If you don't pay the government, they send someone to your home and arrest you (Edit: or in some cases, to hire you). The oil companies have an even better business model--if we don't pay them, they let us sit at home (for lack of a car), where we'll freeze for lack of payment on a heating bill we can't pay for lack of a job.
And we free-market supporters are supposed to congratulate this system? We're supposed to think it's great? This is a prime example of letting ideology tell you what's good, instead actually looking at the real, practical results in the world.
* In the long term, someone is bound to find a decent alternative energy source. And we'll run out of oil eventually.
Obligatory Breaking News Post
I'll just let the ex-governor and my Photoshopping skills speak for themselves:
[W]hether it's a court of law or administrative hearing or whether it's schoolyard justice when one kid hits another, but the kid that hit him wasn't the one who did it. He's got other boys he'd like to have tell the teachers he didn't do it.
I just feel bad for his future cellmate.
