Just so you know...

I write at a high school reading level! Apparently, articles about pirates, boogers and robot marriage are just what the Gunning-Fog index* is looking for.

EDIT: Apparently, my rating changed overnight. When I tried it again I found that I'm only junior high now.

*I think The Gunning Fog would be an excellent superhero.

Public Service Announcement

Be careful how you handle other people's truffles.

"This was an extraordinary act of truffle-squishing. We can only guess at what provoked it," said a Hotel Chocolat spokesman

Source: The Independent

It's that 90% of Computer Scientists Who Make the Other 10% Of Us Look Like Nerds

I drove past a firehouse today with a couple of engineer friends and we discussed how unfair life is for engineers and computer scientists like us. For some reason, women go crazy for firemen, but "I'm a computer programmer" is not an effective pickup line. Why is that the case?

Well, I came home and, to my dismay, found out exactly why. An artificial intelligence researcher in the Netherlands just published a thesis entitled "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners." I'm not making this up. It's about the possibility of humans marrying artificially intelligent robots.

Doesn't this guy realize that he is just setting us back even further? Or do he and his robo-wife not care about the rest of us?

Further Clarification

There has been some confusion, so I am here to set the record straight. Pope Awesomus I is entirely distinct from Brad Ausmus. Admittedly, Pope Awesomus I did not go to Dartmouth or play 14 major league seasons. However, Brad Ausmus has an OPS of .666 against left handed pitchers. This is a sure sign that he is not a true leader of the Church. Don't be deceived.

Oh, And By the Way...

If you don't believe that any old dork can declare himself Pope, you've clearly never heard of Pope Micheal.

You might want to especially check out this page and this page.

"Roma locuta est. Causa finita est." Thou shalt "Paste text here"!

You Can't Excommunicate Me, I'm Baptized!*

I haven't told too many people this yet, but I'm starting my own Church. I am calling myself Pope Awesomus I, but I still haven't decided on the a name for the Church itself. I'm open to suggestions in the comments.

Riad is my first Cardinal, but if any of you would like to become a Cardinal (or hold a position on one my Congregations) let me know. So far, I'm still holding out for Tommy to be the head of the Congregation for the Promulgation of the Pizza. Any others are open.

Don't worry, I'm not actually planning on permanently leaving the Catholic Church. I'm just holding out to have my new Church recognized as a rite. I will gladly reduce my position to Patriarch Awesomus I once the Pope recognizes us. Until the Liturgy of Awesomus can be completed, we will be using the Liturgy of John Chrysostom (since the church offering it is less than 2 blocks from where I live). But I will not forbid my followers to go to Novus Ordo, Tridentine, Divine Liturgy of St. James, the Divine Liturgy of St. Mark or the Divine Liturgy of St. Basil either. But I will not allow liturgical dancing under any circumstances.

---

*In case any of you were worried about my eternal soul, don't be. I have recently learned that schismatics are still totally ok. A learned schismatic canon lawyer has informed me that baptism makes you totally immune to all that nasty excommunication stuff that Rome is always all up in our grill about.

200 Proof Excellence

I was just reading my friend Tommy's blog when I realized how good one of his old articles is. A girl wrote a trying-to-be-edgy Viewpoint in the Marquette Tribune about how it's a shame that a Catholic school does not provide students with contraception.

Tommy and I refused to be outdone. If someone out there is lowering the level of discourse, we can always go lower. Don't even try.

What we came up with was this. Booger jokes? Yeah, we went there.

Marquette students have boogers. There, I said it. We all get them. What do we do with them? Some scratch them. Others pick them discreetly with Kleenex. Still others brazenly dive in wrist-deep. I am one of those who dive right in.

Thrilling, compelling stuff. If you don't believe this could possibly get published in a serious journalistic publication, you're right.

---

Edit: It appears that the Tribune site doesn't have the entirety of the Cura Vaginalis article. You can find the full text and a good commentary on the whole event here.

The Tribune is Catching On

Ahoy!

A happy Talk Like a Pirate day to you all, yeh scurvy-ridden deck swabbers!

I'm Just Here to Remind You I'm Not Dead

Sorry, no new material from me today. But if you'd like a good laugh, you can check out Dr. McAdams' new conspiracy theory, in which I am inexplicably named despite having no official position within Catholic Outreach.

Or, if you're looking for something that's intentionally humorous, you could do worse than checking out Tommy's latest post on what will hopefully become a continuously updated series.

All right, I'm out. Enjoy the next indefinite period of time until I get back to blogging again!

Relating To That Last Post...

Scary, huh?

Recently Found on Facebook

Can you guess which of these pictures shows the lead singer of Pearl Jam?

I'm Pretty Proud of This

I took a political test today. My placement didn't mean much when it looked like this:



But then I clicked on the button to show how you relate to famous people:



I kinda like that.

Also, what on earth is Adam Sandler's political affiliation? And who's the buggy eyed guy on the top in the middle?

Theology of the Pizza

Hopefully this will inspire Tommy to give me his full Theology of the Pizza dissertation. We'll see how it goes.

For a better view, click here

Francis Moehn 1916-2007

My grandfather passed away in December, just short of his 91st birthday. I should have posted about him then because he was an incredible man. I'll have to make it up now.

As a child, he caught polio and was forced into quarantine for six weeks. The only person he was allowed to be in the same room with was the nun who took care of him. He survived, but his knees were never strong again. It was largely because of these leg problems that he was rejected from the Army after he was drafted for World War II. Oddly, if it weren't for polio, my mom, seven aunts and uncles and twenty-some cousins and I might not be here today.

As an young man, he took on a job that should naturally be left to German-Irish Catholics: he opened a bar. He and his wife worked together at the bar. They also single-handedly (double-handedly, really) built the house that they lived in for nearly 60 years. They settled there to raise eight children born over the course of twenty five years.

When the bar business went bad, he became a mail man. He worked at the post office for nearly thirty years until his retirement. In retirement he attended daily Mass and worked on his baby, a 1910-era Ford Model T.

This is how I remember my grandfather Francis Moehn. Although I will have fun with his collection of stuff in the next post, he meant a lot more than that. More than stuff, I'll still have those memories of Eggo waffles and Uno games and scrambled fairy tales (to this day, I really don't know whether he was joking or confused about those).

I Like Him

This guy doesn't take crap from anybody.

A Presidential Candidate I Can Support

Fred Thompson

I also unearthed secret evidence of a plot to make him even more awesome.



Why yes, it is finals week. Why do you ask?

My Pet Peeve of the Day

Today's post is brought to you by the letters A, B, C and D and the numbers 0 through 2007.

Maybe I'm alone on this, but I can't stand it when people mark dates by the eras of CE and BCE. Common Era and Before Common Era? What's so common about the last 2007 years? Why should the 4.6 billion years that the earth existed before then not be considered common?

There is no good reason for it.

We, the People of the Jury, Have Reached a Verdict

McDonald's on the corner of 25th and Wisconsin, you have been convicted of five counts of not giving a crap.

Count 1: For having an employee leaning against the counter doing nothing while 3 people waited in line at the one open register.

Count 2: For barking "Hold on!" with annoyance to a customer trying to order through the drive-through.*

Count 3: For looking generally displeased that customers are interrupting your day by trying to order food.

Count 4: For giving me a dollar-bill in change for a charge of $4.01, rather than counting out the change.**

Count 5: For allowing the employee leaning against the counter to cut in front of customers in line and announce "I'm ordering now."

Counts 1-4 are misdemeanors which carry a penalty of 10-20 hours of customer service for each count. Count 5 is a felony count of reckless disregard for human decency. It carries a penalty of one hour of me muttering under my breath to be consecutively followed by an angry blog posting.

Bailiff, take them away.


*Note: One charge of spelling "drive-through" as "drive-thru" has been dropped because responsibility for that ultimately rests on the corporation of McDonalds as a whole.

**Note: Normally this offense would be let off with a warning, but the defendants lack of giving a crap in other areas has led to this charge being prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Dubious Honors

I discovered while perusing Google Analytics that I am the top Google hit for the phrase "this can't be wrong when it feels so right" (without the quote marks). I'm also the top hit for the phrase "poor decision." Those are both pretty accurate descriptions for my blog, I think.

On the weirder side, I got a hit from the phrase "vanna white toothbrush." I don't know why anyone would want to search those terms, but if you do you'll find me.

I love Google Analytics.

My First Public Service in the New Year!

Happy New Year everybody!

I have a confession to make. When I celebrated the new year, my friends and I just yelled out the tune to Auld Lang Syne without singing any words. Because, honestly, we don't know any of them. So for all you curious folk, here they are:

Traditional Auld Lang Syne (According to Robert Burns)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine.
We've wandered mony a weary foot,
Sin' auld lang syne.

We twa hae sported i' the burn,
From morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.

And ther's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll tak' a right good willie-waught,
For auld lang syne.
Source

As you can see, it was written as a result of Irishmen drinking too much on New Year's Eve and trying to speak understandable English (which in itself is a difficult enough task for many Irish). But I have to say, whenever I pou the gowans fine, I also feel the urge to drink heavily and write a song about it. So I can't really blame them.

I'm World Famous

Last week was a big week for The Flametroll. A post about Time Man of the Year Richard Dawkins brought in a couple of very passionate new commenters. This blog must have had literally a dozen hits.

Time Magazine's Man of the Year, The Emerson Avenger, felt so strongly about the post that he commented on it five times. That's apparently some kind of symbology that I wouldn't understand, having not seen The daVinci Code.

Meanwhile 2006 Man of the Year, Tony, thinks I'm an idiot. Apparently he hasn't read my entire blog or he would know for a fact that I am an idiot.

Then my good friend, Man of the Year Ryan posted to say that I might have a been a bit harsh on the poor old guy (Dawkins that is, not the old guy that I pushed down the stairs. Ryan thought that was funny and well-deserved).

So let me make it clear what I meant. Richard Dawkins is not a worthless person. He is not without intrinsic value. In fact, now that we are in the (liturgical) Christmas season, the prayers of Liturgy of the Hours have been reflecting on the coming of Christ to earth as a human in order to redeem humanity. Thanks to the Father's act of creating us and the Son's coming to save us*, we are all of infinite value. Don't mistake my disagreement on ideology with a hatred for the man.

What I do believe is that Mr. Dawkins' idea are dangerous and should be dealt with both truthfully and with a sense of humor. No one wants to read angry vitriol countered by more anger. I believe (and I think my hero and Time Magazine's Man of the Year GK Chesterton would have agreed) that such ideas are better countered with a laugh and a "snap out of it!" than anger or long-winded refutation. That's all I tried to do and it's all I'm really qualified for.

Having said that, I have one last question. . .where did you new guys come from? I'm curious how you found my blog and I would appreciate a comment letting me know, if you're still around.

Merry Christmas and happy Feast of Saint Stephen! May we all be living for something worth dying for.


*No offense to the Holy Spirit, He's doing good work too.

Richard Dawkins Denies the Moon

The old prankster cracks a smile.

I've been meaning to write up a big ol' post about Time's 2006 Man of the Year, Richard Dawkins. But then I got bored of him, so I'll just repost something I wrote a while ago. Because you deserve to know what I think.

The quotes are pulled from a Slate interview with Dawkins and responses from people who read it.

---

I have a lot of issues with Richard Dawkins. And it's not mainly that he's an atheist. It's that he's an pompous windbag who has apparently never taken his opponent's viewpoints with the slightest bit of seriousness. He doesn't seem to stop to subject his opinions to the same rigor that he requires of religious thinkers.

This quote is a great example:

Salon's interview with Richard Dawkins: "Everybody nowadays is an atheist about Thor and Apollo. Some of us just go one god further."

That's just blatant ignorance of what religious people believe. We aren't atheistic about Zeus in the sense that atheism is used in any other context. We still believe in the concept of God, just not that the concept of God takes the form of Zeus.

Everyone today disbelieves that the moon is cheese. Why doesn't he go all the way and disbelieve in the moon?

But, of course, he doesn't stop to make subtle distinctions like form vs concept. If science is the only form of knowledge, why bother yourself with stupid things like philosophy?

I heard him on Penn Jillette's radio show a couple of weeks ago. He claims that we are better off without God or any sense of spirituality. He says there is beauty in the universe and that there can be aesthetics without God. Yet, just moments later he spoke of people breeding dogs that "look funny" and roses that "look useful."

If looking "funny" or "useful" are the depths of his sense of aesthetics, I don't think he really does have any concept of beauty.

Dawkins has also claimed "the more intelligent you are, the more likely you are to be an atheist"

Another axample of how cold and humorless this man is: he didn't know from watching The Colbert Report that Stephen Colbert was joking. He did finally catch on and guested on the show. Now says with total confidence that the reported church-going Catholic Colbert doesn't "really" believe in God, because he seems too intelligent for that.

[Dawkins says] that the question what is our purpose in life? "[is] not a question that deserves an answer."

And possibly the most convincing evidence that he is as much a closed-minded bigot as any religious person: when he senses that there might be questions science can't answer, he doesn't entertain the question and think how to answer it. He simply refuses to ask the question and speaks scornfully of people who do.

I'll close with a quote from Time Magazine's 2006 Man of the Year, Mark Shea: "Honestly, don't these people have something useful to do with their time?"

---

Sorry, that was a portion of a long rant I've been saving up for a while. Thanks for listening (or, more likely, skimming).

Packer's First Law of Blog Popularity

Wow

What?
This.

I Don't Know Anything Any More

I had a very confusing day yesterday. As I was browsing some news headlines, I learned that the Church of England is totally cool with infanticide. That later turned out to be untrue, but it still leaves me with one question. . . why was the story's title "Gay Gatsby got Capote fired"?

Coming Soon to a Monitor Near You

I recently received the honor of being invited to join a group blog run by my friend Scotty. I will be guest writing along with such blogosphere luminaries as Tommy and Ryan.

Have no fear, faithful reader(s) and creepy stalker(s)! I will still blog here. Probably with no less frequency than I post now (as if that's a high mark to surpass).

So check out And So It Is Written and keep going back. It only has one post now, but there's sure to be a furious storm of goodness coming right toward your proverbial boarded-up beach house of boredom, with a chance of over-extended metaphores and run-on sentences, in the near future.

---

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. If you're going to blatantly rip off Tommy, you should at least have something funny to say.

Pre-Results Election Roundup

Lamest Story of the Day Award goes to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's election blog entry: Poll Worker Mistakenly Asks for IDs.

If you're too lazy to read it (I know I would be), I'll summarize. A poll worker mistakenly asks for a voter to show ID. He does not, although his wife reaches for hers. A polling official tells the worker not to ask for ID. Democrats complain.

Weasliest Story: Fair Wisconsin (a group opposing the amendment limiting marriage to a man and a woman) called voters leaving a message insinuating that voting "no" would be a no to gay marriage, not a no to the amendment banning gay marriage. I realize there were a lot of negatives in that sentence. Try to keep up, Junior.

According to The Journal Sentinel, the message was a follows:

Hi, this is Sue. Today is election day, and when you go to vote, I urge you to remember our children. I urge you to vote No on the constitutional amendment on gay marriage. Vote No to send a message that some things are too important to change. In Wisconsin, marriage is a man and a woman. Vote No to make sure activist judges don't get involved and determine what marriage might mean, like they have in other states. Vote No to protect our children, our families, and our way of life. Vote No on the gay marriage amendment.

"Authorized and paid for by Fair Wisconsin Committee, Michael Childress, Treasurer."

Fair Wisconsin apparently realizes that they have nothing to lose (if the amendment fails, they won't be an organization tomorrow morning). The Marquette group Students for a Fair Wisconsin violated Marquette University rules by distributing campaign materials in dorms and campus housing.

I Don't Mind When Amazon Recommends Books. . .

. . .but this is a little too much.

Quick Thought of the Day

Was Nietzche just bitter because he was so goofy looking?

You Know It's Ecumenism When No One Goes Home Happy

Not all Christian leaders happy with papal vespers service

REGENSBURG, Germany (CNS) -- Pope Benedict XVI participated in an ecumenical vespers service in Regensburg's cathedral, but not all Christian representatives were happy with the outcome. A Lutheran-Reformed bishop felt the pope put too much emphasis on relations with the Orthodox. An Orthodox representative expressed surprise that a Lutheran-Reformed bishop had been allowed to speak. A Methodist minister said he felt excluded because much of the singing was in Latin. Before the Sept. 12 service, Pope Benedict was introduced to representatives of the 16 members of the Association of Christian Churches in Bavaria, as well as to representatives of the Jewish community. They met in nearby St. Ulrich's Church and made their way in a procession from there to the cathedral. Parts of the vespers service were conducted by representatives of the Orthodox churches, and Lutheran-Reformed Bishop Johannes Friedrich of Bavaria read a meditation and called for Christian unity that allows room for differences.

It's pretty funny how all of them complained about a Catholic ceremony that they agreed to participate in. There was Latin? In a Catholic prayer? No Wittenburg, Werlock.

But my favorite part is the Orthodox complaint. He was apparently angry that the Lutheran even got speak. I have a visual image of an Orthodox bishop mocking a Lutheran. "Who here has valid orders? Oh yeah, not you--so shut up."

Thanks to the Rockford Diocese Observer and Catholic News Service.

Color or Diet?

I've said it before, but this is just further proof that if something can be over-analyzed, someone on Wikipedia has already done it.

Not as Gross as Many of our Other Franchise Locations!

I was hungry today after work, so I stopped at a local Mexican fast food restaurant. I will refer to it as Burrito Gong.* Behind the counter was a sign that read:

"We wash and sanitize our hands."

I guess that is supposed to make us feel confident in the cleanliness of the food making environment. But what it said to me is "This restaurant adheres to the bare minimum of hygenic practice."

Shouldn't it really should go without saying that employees wash their hands in the kitchen of a restaurant?










*In order to protect Taco Bell's identity.

Fun with Spam

I got hit on by a spammer a few days ago. Among my junk mail filter's usual drivel about v1agra and Russian mail-order brides, I also received a love letter. This email came from a certain Siegfried Conroy and had the unremarkable heading "bizarre." But in the preview window, I could read the first line of the message:

Come uptonight and well spoon in the moonlight and you can tell me your thoughts

How sweet!

I googled Siegfried to see if he was the kind of guy I might be willing to tell all of my thoughts to. He didn't show up anywhere on google. That means that next time poor Siegfried googles his own name, I'm going to be the first hit. That's what I call free publicity!

/* GOOGLE, PLEASE READ HERE */
Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy
/* THANKS! */

It's a Boy!

I'm the proud daddy of a brand new


It comes with lots of accessories, including this image taken from the Apple website.

Wake Me Up Before You Comment

Recently, I was at the gym running. As you may know, there are six TVs in the room with the treadmills. At any given time, at least seven of them are either watching Entertainment Tonight or MTV. (I think that might tell you something about the demographics of the gym itself, but that would be stereotyping so I won't comment any further about the brainless crap gym-going females like to watch.)

Anyway, an episode of Entertainment Tonight came on, prominently featuring an interview with George Michael. If you were born after 1979, you may be wondering why George Michael is famous. So am I. Apparently it was for being a member of the band Wham! (the exclamation point is his, not mine. I don't find the band so exciting that it deserves special punctuation.) They were known for the hit (relatively speaking for 80's music) songs "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" and "Honkytonk Badonkadonk."

Anyway, thanks to the miracle of closed captioning (how does it work, anyway?) I could see that George Michael was being interviewed about having an affair with a random man in the bushes of a local park*.

Anyway, he seemed very offended by the fact that the interviewer was asking him about his affair (one bush stand? Trimming more than the hedges? Don't get me started, I'll go on all day.)

Anyway, his offendedness struck me as odd. Why did he accept the invitation to be interviewed on the show if he didn't want to talk about the only thing that has put him in the news since before I was even born? Was he expecting questions about the weather ("Yes, I do think it's pretty hot out there.")? Or gas prices ("They are triple what they were before I became a washed-up B-list celebrity.")?

Anyway, it all seems sort of disingenuous. Either he is completely clueless, or he was willing to get drilled on national TV just so he could get a little spotlight time. Apparently when his 15 minutes of fame got over, he cut in front of my place in line and went back through.

Anyway, the main point of this post (as always) is that everyone should link to my blog, if only to correct this injustice.




*Strangely enough, this is the only true part of my post.

Cool Jesus

I found this article on Godspy about the idea of "Buddy Jesus". I don't really have anything to add. Just read it.

Yet Another Reason to Think Stephen Colbert is Amazing

Watch as he blindsides an (the?) unsuspecting representative of the District of Columbia. It's brutal but I love it.

If you want to know how much I like it, notice that this is the first link on this blog I have intentionally left the target=_blank tag off of. I like Stephen Colbert so much that I let him steal my window.

How Many Writers Does it Take to Screw Up a Blog?

I realize that last post was pretty word and serious. So I'm going to atone for that by posting some "light bulb" jokes. Most of the good ones come from here.

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5. One to hold the bulb and the other 4 to drink until the room spins around.

Q: How many authors of the Warren Report does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. Definitely only one. For sure. No doubt. So seriously, please stop asking questions.

And a couple that relate specifically to me:

Q: How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not many, I'm sure, seeing as the Polish are a very intelligent people (please don't break up with me).

Q: How many theology majors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows. Our house is chock-full of them and that bulb is still out.

Who-Given Rights?

I was listening to a podcast of Penn Jillette's radio show from a few days ago today and it sparked some thoughts.

Penn announced that last night, he had seen Dennis Miller pronounce "Guantanamo Bay" as "Gitmo" and that Mr. Miller had sounded pretty cool saying it. Wanting to sound cool as well, Penn decided to talk about "Gitmo" on his show. But then he was disappointed to realize that he knows a lot about monkeys and juggling but not much at all about detention camps. So he did something I respect a lot–he admitted he had minimal knowledge of anything at all about the place. He just allowed his listeners to call in to express their knowledge and opinions about the place.

I'm not sure I have a very strong opinion about "Gitmo" except that the prisoners are still people and should be treated like people. Other than that, I just don't know enough to make any kind of judgement. So don't expect this post to express my opinion. It's just a thought that is running around in my head while I try to corner it. Pardon me if I go in circles at some points.

It seems strange to me that an early justification for the war in Iraq was that everyone in every nation has the God-given right to democracy and freedom. Because these rights are for all humanity, it was justifiable to stop people like Saddam Hussein who were denying people those rights.

But now we have these detainees (I'm not sure how many of them are from Iraq and how many from Afghanistan, but for the purpose of this post it doesn't matter). There are arguments about how we should deal with those people. Some argue that they aren't American citizens so the due process clause of the Constitution doesn't apply to them. Others say that they are not actually prisoners of war because they don't wear a uniform or fight for a regular army.

Here's where I have to make an assumption (God made three, but He's three Persons. I think one is fair for me.) I assume the the many of the same people are making both of those arguments. I don't think the opponents of the war are the ones clamoring to keep people locked up in Cuba.

So how does this work? Do human beings have God-given universal rights to freedom and democracy? If they do, how do we justify locking them up indefinitely without being at least allowed some kind of "innocent until proven guilty"?

Or are these Founding Father-given rights guaranteed only to the people under the jursidiction of the Constitution? If so, how does that justify starting a war to bring those non-existent rights to people who aren't affected by the Constitution?

I guess I have kind of an opinion on this. I think all humans have a God-given right to a just society and the best government possible. But I'm not sure that is necessarily American, First Amendment-type rights. It would be awfully hard to argue that every government before the Constitution was absolutely immoral.

Other than that, I'm more interested in hearing people discuss this than in proving myself right. I could be wrong. Let's hear from the people.

Coming Clean

Recently Oprah Winfrey went public and announced what she is not. She, much like Superman, is definitely for sure 100% not, NOT, NOT gay. Seeing as the popular thing now is to stand up for who you aren't, I will jump on the bandwagon.

I am not a homosexual, a bisexual, a pedagogue or a polyglot.

I am not Homer Simpson, Homer Slockenheimer or Winslow Homer.

I did not compose The Iliad.

I am not a believer in homoiousious.

I do not work for Homeland Security.

I don't even own a home.

And, finally, so all of you will stop asking: I am not Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah:


Me:



Any questions?

I Used to Snort Coke . . .

. . . but I got tired of getting ice cubes in my nose.

[crickets]

. . .And boy are my arms tired!

Uhh, anyway, my roommates and I decided to do what every other college student is doing too: mix Diet Coke and Mentos. Hilarity ensued. Speaking of sued, you should talk the guy whose car we splashed.

A bottle we drilled five holes into:


Me popping a Mento and drinking Diet Coke.


All to the tune of Ray Charles' God Bless America. I love this country.

Superman Reviewed

Tommy posted a reflection on seeing Superman Returns in theaters (twice and counting, rest assured). He hits on most of the main reservations I had about the movie myself.

Could this be because we talked about it a lot last week? Or is just that he's just an Übermensch Genie as they say auf Deutschland? Or is he actually Superman? I have my suspicions, but I can't prove anything.

In the end, what really matters is that it's posted. Go read it. My blog will still be here when you get back.

Another Music Award!

Today, I am proud to present another music award that has never before been given outside of my head. It's the Never Let You Go Award for Spectacularly Bad Songwriting.

This award commemorates the Third Eye Blind song, Never Let You Go, which contains several classic lines:

"You say that I've changed
Well maybe I did
But even if I changed
Whats wrong with it?"

and also

"If theres a reason
It's lost on me
Maybe we'll be friends
I guess we'll see"

As you can see, a song must follow in this these legendary footsteps to earn the prestigious NLYGAFSBS (or Nillygaffsibus, as they are affectionately known in the industry).

I am pleased to announce Nickelback!

Their song Photograph contains a number of clunkers. Practically every verse deserves a mention, but the opening lines are what really caught my attention:

"Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head?"

Not only are the words ridiculous (I don't know, what the hell is on Joey's head? The world may never know. And who the hell is Joey anyway?), but they don't have any semblance of rhythm. Just try to make those stresses and syllables fit into rhythmic pattern.

Undaunted by lyricism or melody writing, Nickelback plows on.

"And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out"

1) He just rhymed "up" with "up"!
2) The third line is just confusing.
3) Why does he go from talking about his dilapidated house to talking about sneaking out? To better transition into the next verse about skipping school? And if he hated school so much, why did he break in "half a dozen times"?

"Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed"

The awkwardness of the whole song, combined with the awkwardness of him telling us this and the awkwardness of the phrasing of this little confession, makes my teeth hurt like when when you bite down on ice.

The reason I am commenting on this relatively old song is that I heard it on the radio today and it caught my attention. When the song ended, the radio station I was listening to played a little commercial clip along the lines of "We play the music you want to hear!" I think that was their way of saying "You really have no one to blame but yourselves."

We honor you, Nickelback! Keep phoning in those lyrics, we can "hear you now!"

Poor Decision Making

I had Taco Bell for lunch today, then Qdoba for dinner. My stomach and I are not on good terms right now.

I am Man, Hear Me Mutter

Now that I drive on the interstate to and from work, I suddenly care about traffic reports. I can't wait for them to come on the radio and when they do, I strain to hear my highway get mentioned.

It's not that it's telling me anything I didn't know. When I'm still a mile from work 15 minutes after I leave, I'm fully aware that there are delays on 94E.

It's not that they can do anything about it. That helicopter has yet to swoop down and pick me up like Frodo Baggins and his faithful Kia, Sam, coming back from Mt. Work.

What really makes me feel good is that they are commiserating with me. They are acknowledging that I am backed up in traffic and facing major delays as an accident is blocking the left lane and the end of a Brewer game is blocking the right. As they announce delays, I sneer grimly like a crusty old seaman preparing for another Nor'easter. Whatever the gods of traffic (Saturn? Mercury?) are brewing up, I can take it like a man.

And that is what makes life satisfying.

Heads Up!

You're in luck, Flametroll fan(s)! I have a double dose of bloggness coming down the pipeline.

First point of business:

We got a newsletter at work today. The last article was my favorite. It was about the small tasks that drag people down, like returning voicemail and answering email, rather than working on high priority tasks. It had many tips including this one that I swear to Dave Barry I am not making up:

"Lower your standards. What is the minimum acceptable level of quality which can get by for this task?"

Special "2006 Music Awards" Edition!

Today, after much anticipation, I am publicly announcing an award that I have been giving in my head on a fairly consistent basis (and the whole point of this blog is so that nothing will have to just stay in my head. It gets foisted off onto the blog-reading public.). Without further ado, I present to you. . . .

The 2006 Crash Into Me Award!
This award is named after the popular 1996 Dave Matthews Band single. Boasting those immortal words of love "Oh I watch you there/Through the window/And I stare at you/You wear nothing/But you wear it so well," Crash Into Me has taken its position among the creepiest popular songs of all time.

Winners have included Clay Aiken ("If I was invisible/Then I could just watch you in your room") and Shaggy (It Wasn't Me, lyrics not included in order to keep this blog from having to go to confession).

But this year's winner stands with the best of them.

James Blunt, come on down and claim your prize!

His hit song Beautiful contains a warm fuzzy chorus ("You're beautiful/You're beautiful/You're beautiful") that many people probably don't bother to listen past.

For those of you who haven't listened closely, let me paraphrase:

James Blunt's life is brilliant and his love is pure. So pure that he rides subways (while high) and looks for beautiful women. One of them in particular catches his eye. She's with another man, but that's ok because he's "got a plan." (Did he rhyme "plan" with "another man"? You betcha!) No word on whether that "plan" involves the "other man" and an icepick.

Soon enough, though, he apparently comes down off his buzz and goes home to have a snack. A chorus and half a verse later he realizes he'll never see her again. Great plan, Cheech. Go get some Cheetos.

But Mr. Blunt doesn't let that failure get him down. He knows that they "shared a moment that will last 'til the end." Apparently, ogling women on public transit is considered "a moment" now.

Congratulations, James Blunt!





By the way, yes I did just steal a random goofy trophy from a Google image search. But I'm going to Photoshop a trophy one of these days. Goodness knows I'll probably need it again. Songs worthy of a Crash Into Me Award come out often enough.

Stupid hard drives. . .

A hard drive crash/blip/weirdness has put my computer down for the count. That's part of the reason I haven't been blogging. Other than that, I've been busy and lazy.

Not that I owe you schlubs an apology. Go out there and write your own stuff.

So Cool They're Hot!

Recently, I opened a box of Pop Tarts©. Normally that's not blogworthy (not that this really is, but I'm doing it anyway). On the silver foil wrapper, there was a little cartoon.

This was the first one.


If that is hard to read, it shows a cartoon man in a fez talking to a Pop Tart genie coming out of a toaster. He says to the genie "Hey, you shop there too?"

Hang on, it gets weirder.




In this scene, two girls are dancing to the beat of a Godzilla monster. It must be disco, based on the way they are dancing. But the monster is dressed more like Frank Sinatra. (Take note of the girl on the left, she's a recurring character)



This one marks the first appearance of Mr. Mouthpants. Look at the disturbed look on that Pop Tart guy's face. Clearly, even in the twisted world of Pop Tart wrapper cartoons, people are not supposed to have a mouth there.



This one just seems kind of dirty.

I'm Still Alive She Said / But Do I Deserve to Be?

Hello World, I'm still here. I took a break from blogging for Lent, but now I'm back.

Just like Conan O'Brien I've got a bunch of great stuff for you coming up. I have posts about pop-tart wrappers and frustration with my phone company and all kinds of good stuff.

But right now, I'm going to eat some candy.

I Can Write This Off as Work!

I'm writing an article about blog services for The Warrior. As a comparison, I'm posting the same story here that I put on my blogstream example.

**********

I began thinking today about the pros and cons of the eggs in Cobeen's cafeteria. . .

Con	Pro
Made with fake egg product	Made with love by Leigh the omelet cook
Full of sodium	Full of ham and cheese
Greasy	Satisfying

Diagnosis: delicious!

An Educational Experience

Today in anthropology, the video we were watching was interrupted by a taped-over episode of "Sex and the City." The video was about gender relations, so most of the class didn't even notice the difference.

But our professor sprung into action, going downstairs to get a new VCR. Apparently, this was the model that converts video of women giving academic lectures into episodes of "Sex and the City." After a delay, it turns out that the other VCR was the same model. Marquette's AV department hasn't fully switched over to the newer "Sex and the City"-into-academic lecture model yet.

So our professor fast-forwarded through the half hour episode (I saw some "gender relations" going on), and we continued the video.

. . .and then I found ten bucks.

What Kind of Heretic Are You?

Find out here.

I scored 100% Council of Chalcedon compliant! Strangely, I scored 67% on Pelagianism. I'm a little nervous about that. All this time I've spent earning my way into heaven, and I might blow it all by being a heretic.

I'm still here

I was going to write about how terrible the movie Syriana is, but I don't feel all that funny today. Anyway, I haven't died or anything. I'm sure you're glad to know.

Google gave me this link: St. Lawrence Distributes Food to the Poo.

The Material Writes Itself

How vomit is different from dorm food

(according to some guy's website.)

That's the Problem With Having Two First Names…

There was a case of mistaken identity on ESPN's photo of Dominic James.

Living on the Edge

I know it's a dangerous time to be a blogger on campus, but I just can't allow the truth to be held back.

What's wrong with Marquette:

• It's cold: Yesterday the high was as 17 degrees Fahrenheit (yes, I am just showing off the fact that I know how to spell Fahrenheit, thanks for noticing) and today, as of 11:20 am, Weather.com reports that the temperature is 9 with a wind chill of -3.
  
  The administration is fully aware of how cold it is in Milwaukee. Yet they do nothing to alleviate the chilliness students must face as they walk to classes that are often several blocks from their homes.
  
  
  
• There are freshmen: Every year the Marquette administration allows nearly two thousand people with absolutely no college experience to live on our campus. The majority of these are mere children, with all the maturity of an eighteen year old. I, a twenty year old sophomore, should not have to navigate my way through dozens of theses campus parasites as I go to my classes. Them and their constant whining, "Which Wehr building is my class in?" "A driver just took my leg off as I was crossing Wisconsin Avenue" etc etc.
  
  
  
• Sodexho food: It's a sad state of affairs when the only real eggs on campus are the ones dripping down Brandon Henak's windows.
  

I know I may have crossed some lines here today, but that's what free speech is all about. If you disagree with me feel free to comment, but I'll probably delete it.

Go Ask Alice. . . When She's Ten Feet Tall

I'm in the middle of taking a survey about drug and alcohol use on campus which I was randomly selected for. I think they will also be emailing me a small cup with a lid that I'll have to email back full.

Whoever was writing the survey seems to have been on drugs themselves. Many of the questions that would seem to require the possibility of a "maybe" or "don't know" answer are simple yes/no. For example, the question "Does alcohol make you sexier?" Well, I don't drink so I really don't know. Maybe it would, although I can't imagine a possibility in which I would be more attractive than I already am.

Another "question" in the alcohol section was "doesn't interfere with my life." Now, not only is that not a question, it's not even a sentence. But even more confusingly, the possible choices are "yes" and "no." Yes, alcohol doesn't interfere with my life? No, alcohol doesn't interfere with my life? No, alcohol does interfere with my life? Yes, this survey does interfere with my sanity?

In conclusion, be like this guy and don't do drugs.

Carpenter Rocks

And rattles too. I can feel it shaking under my feet right now. Probably from the construction nearby, but I'm still on the line with FEMA about earthquake preparations. You never can be too paranoid safe. And while we're at it, I think I'm going to get my bird-flu shot.

My Life Philosophy

People often approach me on the street and ask "Aaron, do you have a philosophy in life?"

"Of course I do," I tell them as I scramble to think of something clever. "Life is like a. . . pudding bowl. Yeah, umm. . .where the cruddy stuff forms on the top. So. . . uhhh. . .dig deep and feast upon the good stuff," I lie.

Well now I don't have to lie anymore. I've decided on a life philosophy. And all thanks to Dilbert.



I don't even have to work to accomodate my life to this new philosophy. I've been doing this all along.

A Humbling Experience

Those pesky comment-spamming programs are affecting people all over the internet. In fact, one of the blogs this site links to, We Are Marquette, just had to do the same thing. I've always had my suspicions, but leaving posts about exactly the same thing just days apart has proven once and for all that Caruso is a lot funnier than me.

It Would Be Blackmail Material, But He's Not Ashamed

Jeff, my RA is preparing early for Halloween. He hit the jackpot with a visit to the thrift store.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Comment

I'm sorry for the added inconvenience of commenting. I was resisting for a while, but I finally gave in and enabled the word verification option on my blog. The reason I had to do this was because of all the spam comments I'm getting. I'm not sure what my best defense is against this. If anyone knows a better way than to use word verification, please take the time and effort to comment it to me.

Do or Dilate

I had an eye appointment today. As a part of the checkup, the doctor (or optometrist or whatever) put these drops in my eye to numb them and dilate the pupils. The effect set in after about 15 minutes and I passed all the glaucoma, cataract, diabetes, etc. tests with flying colors.

The problem was that now I was going to be set loose into the sunlight with pupils incapable of contracting. Fortunately, the doctor was prepared. She handed me a pair of ROLLENS sunglasses. They were extremely stylish and fun (as the pictures on their website might suggest). They also made me looke like a Robocop-inspired reincarnation of Ray Charles.



Fortunately, I ran into a street vendor in a white pimp suit selling sunglasses for $2-5. I went for some top-of-the-line aviators. I'm sure I don't say this enough, but I'm awesome.

Actually There Are 165A0DC00 People. . .

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. . .those who know binary and those who don't.

Compliments of Ryan.

At Least Dolphins Don't Make Me Cry

My roommate walked in on me yesterday while I was putting away laundry and singing to Hootie and the Blowfish.

Me: I don't know why, but I've just been in the mood for Hootie.
Mike: It's so wrong, but it feels so right.

Look Out, Dial-up Users

It stormed last night. We didn't get hit with much rain (compared to what the radar was showing) but it lightninged for almost two hours. Here are a couple of strikes that I managed to get on (digital) film.





I got video too.

Some of my roommate's pictures.







It's really hazy today.


Photos 1, 2 and 6 and video ©Aaron Morey 2005
Photos 3, 4 and 5 © Michael Sharkey 2005

Not As Bad As People Say!

Those glowing words of praise on IMDB.com describe the movie I'm watching right now: Demolition Man.

The idea is that Sylvester Stallone is cryogenically frozen, then brought back to fight the escaped prisoner Wesley Snipes.

Some of the highlights came from the action movie banter in the first futuristic fight scene. Snipe's character, Simon Phoenix, (who, coincidentally, rises from the dead!) yells as he shoots at Stallone "Simon says bleed!" When he recognizes Stallone as his old archenemy, he quips "Man, they'll let anybody into this century." Stallone retaliates, saying "You're on TV!" as he swings a television by the cord, striking Snipes in the face.

On another note, the president of this futuristic Los Angeles dressed like a cross between Hamid Karzai and the Pope.

EDIT: Stallone just used the phrase "hunka chunka."

Everybody Thinks I'm Up to No Good

After my brush with the FBI's Book Brigade, I'm apparently on some kind of federal watch list. I signed up for an Apple Developer Connection account today, because I wanted to download Apple's Java development stuff for free. It's a pretty good deal, I think. I found this in the Membership Agreement fine print:

You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes where prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of nuclear, missile, chemical or biological weapons.

Don't look at me, I'm still trying to pass Computer Science 065.