I picked up The Onion today as I was walking out of a local beverage establishment. Having only moderately partaken of their products, I was not in a lessened state of awareness, but I was feeling somewhat warmer and happier than usual. One of the front page headlines initially appeared to be "Study Finds No Logical Reason Why Planets Fly." "Ha," I thought to my warm happy self. "That's a good question. What is keeping those planets flying around?"
Another look revealed that I had misread the healine. It was really "Study Finds No Logical Reason Why Planes Fly." Essentially, a shorter and less funny version of this post. The Onion was too embarassed of their blatant rip-offery to even post the story online, so I can't link to it. Let me just say, if you read my post you read everything worth reading in that story and a bit more. (They didn't even have the temerity to use the word "half-arsed," like I did. Also, they didn't have the pedantry to use the word "temerity." And they didn't have the impetuousity to use the word "pedantry." Etc.) That's the kind of service I strive to provide.
Also, is Jan gone yet?
The Future Ain't What It Used to Be
According to my (admittedly weak) understanding of the theory of relativity and time travel, you can only go forward in time. Therefore, any scientist who manages to time travel will only be able to go forward... to a time when time travel has already been invented.So rather than being crowned a hero for managing to travel through time, he's going to be just another one of those guys from the past who keep popping up. I imagine this is going to be rather disappointing.
Also, Get Off My Lawn
While asking the Google about when baseball games are being shown, I came across this article about how some playoff games are only being shown on cable. Which is totally bogus, say dozens of rambling, semi-literate USA Today readers.
My personal favorite:
My personal favorite:
I remember the good old days where all games were on network one at a time, never overlapping. It is really sad to think that the networks don't want any of the playoffs. I blame it on football and soccer. Kids these days find these action sports better than America's pastime. They can't appreciate how great the sport is because it lacks the constant action they need in these days of violent video games.
Q: When is the proper time to use the ternary operator?
A: Any time!
I found this in a Java program I was updating at work:
Which is obviously redundant in this case. Geez.
I found this in a Java program I was updating at work:
boolean boolExcluded = obj.getString()
.equalsIgnoreCase("yes") ? true : false;Which is obviously redundant in this case. Geez.
"Completely Incapable of Pleasing a Woman?"
That's a direct quote from the subject line of an email I got today. I tell myself to be strong, but it stings a little bit.
Watching the RNC
I know, liveblogging political events is not The Flametroll Way to Be©. I'll post something about monkeys soon, no doubt.
I caught the tail end of Giuliani's speech. I don't really like him very much, so I was drifting in and out. I did catch a phrase about McCain fighting for "freedom here and abroad." Giuliani didn't mention how lucky he has been to have enjoyed freedom here and three broads. He also paused awkwardly for cheers, leaving the audience wondering what to do for a couple of seconds before they realized that he was waiting on them.
Sarah Palin's speech was pretty good. The attacks seemed little forced, I thought. Maybe being harsh doesn't come naturally, I don't know. My main complaint was that she gave her kids ridiculous names: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig.Three Four All of those are admissible in a game of Scrabble. (EDIT: Apparently "Bristol" is a "a smooth cardboard." "Trig" as an adjective means "neat" and as a verb means "to make trig." Enlightening.) I'm sure those kids are perfectly happy with their names--and it's no skin off my nose if they are. But seriously, those are not real names.
*The Scrabble rule of names (which occurred to me just now) states that any non-nickname (ie, Bob, Sue, Rich) which is longer than three letters long and is admissible in a game of Scrabble is not a suitable name for a child. I'm talking to you, people who name your kids Hunter, Rivers, Apple and Tanner.
Addendum 1: Theological Virtues and Gifts or Fruits of the Holy Spirit are grudgingly accepted. Hope and Faith, we'll let you two slide. But only if the parents have had so many kids that they're out of real names.
Addendum 2: Last names of all former American Presidents are off-limits. That means no Madisons, no Lincolns, no Taylors. Sorry, the almanac is not a baby names book.
I caught the tail end of Giuliani's speech. I don't really like him very much, so I was drifting in and out. I did catch a phrase about McCain fighting for "freedom here and abroad." Giuliani didn't mention how lucky he has been to have enjoyed freedom here and three broads. He also paused awkwardly for cheers, leaving the audience wondering what to do for a couple of seconds before they realized that he was waiting on them.
Sarah Palin's speech was pretty good. The attacks seemed little forced, I thought. Maybe being harsh doesn't come naturally, I don't know. My main complaint was that she gave her kids ridiculous names: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig.
*The Scrabble rule of names (which occurred to me just now) states that any non-nickname (ie, Bob, Sue, Rich) which is longer than three letters long and is admissible in a game of Scrabble is not a suitable name for a child. I'm talking to you, people who name your kids Hunter, Rivers, Apple and Tanner.
Addendum 1: Theological Virtues and Gifts or Fruits of the Holy Spirit are grudgingly accepted. Hope and Faith, we'll let you two slide. But only if the parents have had so many kids that they're out of real names.
Addendum 2: Last names of all former American Presidents are off-limits. That means no Madisons, no Lincolns, no Taylors. Sorry, the almanac is not a baby names book.
Some Thoughts I Had As I Was Running
The Harley-Davidson 105th Anniversary celebration is in town, and I must say it's kind of intimidating. You know the experience: you're running down Wisconsin Ave like a little dork (you have that feeling too, right?) when a burly biker pulls up next to you, clad in leather and sporting impressive facial hair. Then you see her husband and you get really nervous.
Seriously, though, every biker I've encountered has been really cool. Case in point: in the middle of a stream of Harley riders, there was one guy in a preppy pastel polo and khaki shorts, wearing salmon colored sunglasses. Riding a Yamaha. Yet none of the bikers did what I wanted to do: rough him up and take his lunch money.
There's a building on Prospect Ave with a sign that says "Body Awareness." I'm not sure what that means. I keep expecting someone to pop out as I run by and yell "You have a body!" I imagine the response they're looking for is "Holy crap, I do!"
Seriously, though, every biker I've encountered has been really cool. Case in point: in the middle of a stream of Harley riders, there was one guy in a preppy pastel polo and khaki shorts, wearing salmon colored sunglasses. Riding a Yamaha. Yet none of the bikers did what I wanted to do: rough him up and take his lunch money.
There's a building on Prospect Ave with a sign that says "Body Awareness." I'm not sure what that means. I keep expecting someone to pop out as I run by and yell "You have a body!" I imagine the response they're looking for is "Holy crap, I do!"
Why I Hate Flying
Ok, so hate is a strong word. Maybe more like "Why I Never Feel Very Comfortable Flying."
It's not the food. I'll eat pretty much anything. It's not the lack of space or the fact that sudden pressure changes wreak havoc on my eardrum that's mainly made of neck tissue (That's a long story, on a related note I'm traumatized by monkeys with cymbals and anything artificially banana flavored. But I digress.)
No, the real reason I don't like flying is much more pragmatic. I don't actually believe that it works. Sure, I learned about Bernoulli and all that in high school. I've seen experiments involving paper airplanes or ping pong balls. But there's the difference. A sheet of paper or a tiny, thin piece of hollow plastic does not compare the 20-ton behemoths we supposedly get up into the sky every day.
A 747 is nothing more than a heavy piece of metal with a couple of ridiculous wings attached. That pretty much sounds like a 50's Cadillac to me. And pound for pound, I'd say Elvis's car has a better chance of getting off the ground than one of those things.
And that's just the plane itself. Then you add a couple hundred people--and I mean good, solid Americans--whose average weight is certainly much closer to "Elvis" than "ping pong ball."
No, I don't believe there is a natural force on earth that could get that much steel and flesh up to 500 mph at an altitude of 6 miles (except maybe Arnold Schwarenegger colliding with Vin Diesel at near light-speeds. And we know that's impossible because they would burn up from the friction before they could reach each other.*)
I believe what's really happening here is pure voodoo magic. Some airline employee snaps the neck of a chicken right before takeoff. The airlines certainly aren't spending the money to sacrifice a goat for every flight. To fund that, they'd have to start charging passengers $10 for a bag of pretzels or $8 for no bag of pretzels. And now that I've written that down on the internet, some airline is going to start doing that anyway.
Anyway, since I don't believe in air travel I never worry about whether the mechanics did their job. I only worry that the medicine man (who probably works for the TSA) is doing the same half-arsed job all the other airline employees are doing. What if he's drunkenly performing the rituals wrong? Or only sacrificing one chicken for every two flights?
So instead I pray to the Catholic God (you know, the real one. That there's three of, but only one of) and figure He'll sort things out. It will be nice to get to heaven before Elvis--who's still out there somewhere, probably impersonating Paul McCartney.
* Obligatory pun: Diesel spontaneously combusts at 410 degrees Fahrenheit.
It's not the food. I'll eat pretty much anything. It's not the lack of space or the fact that sudden pressure changes wreak havoc on my eardrum that's mainly made of neck tissue (That's a long story, on a related note I'm traumatized by monkeys with cymbals and anything artificially banana flavored. But I digress.)
No, the real reason I don't like flying is much more pragmatic. I don't actually believe that it works. Sure, I learned about Bernoulli and all that in high school. I've seen experiments involving paper airplanes or ping pong balls. But there's the difference. A sheet of paper or a tiny, thin piece of hollow plastic does not compare the 20-ton behemoths we supposedly get up into the sky every day.
A 747 is nothing more than a heavy piece of metal with a couple of ridiculous wings attached. That pretty much sounds like a 50's Cadillac to me. And pound for pound, I'd say Elvis's car has a better chance of getting off the ground than one of those things.
And that's just the plane itself. Then you add a couple hundred people--and I mean good, solid Americans--whose average weight is certainly much closer to "Elvis" than "ping pong ball."
No, I don't believe there is a natural force on earth that could get that much steel and flesh up to 500 mph at an altitude of 6 miles (except maybe Arnold Schwarenegger colliding with Vin Diesel at near light-speeds. And we know that's impossible because they would burn up from the friction before they could reach each other.*)
I believe what's really happening here is pure voodoo magic. Some airline employee snaps the neck of a chicken right before takeoff. The airlines certainly aren't spending the money to sacrifice a goat for every flight. To fund that, they'd have to start charging passengers $10 for a bag of pretzels or $8 for no bag of pretzels. And now that I've written that down on the internet, some airline is going to start doing that anyway.
Anyway, since I don't believe in air travel I never worry about whether the mechanics did their job. I only worry that the medicine man (who probably works for the TSA) is doing the same half-arsed job all the other airline employees are doing. What if he's drunkenly performing the rituals wrong? Or only sacrificing one chicken for every two flights?
So instead I pray to the Catholic God (you know, the real one. That there's three of, but only one of) and figure He'll sort things out. It will be nice to get to heaven before Elvis--who's still out there somewhere, probably impersonating Paul McCartney.
* Obligatory pun: Diesel spontaneously combusts at 410 degrees Fahrenheit.
Feeding the Trolls
I love the internet. There's nowhere else on earth that a conversation about a neutral topic like Javascript can get so personal so fast.
Observe.
Observe.
People Get Grants for This?
A new study shows that non-smokers who are married to smokers have a higher risk of stroke.
Allow me to paraphrase: All things being equal, people who spend more time inhaling cigarette smoke have more health issues than those who don't.
Some studies created the technology that cured polio and sent humans to the moon. Other studies brought us the technology that puts new improved nose hair trimmers in SkyMall catalogs.
Allow me to paraphrase: All things being equal, people who spend more time inhaling cigarette smoke have more health issues than those who don't.
Some studies created the technology that cured polio and sent humans to the moon. Other studies brought us the technology that puts new improved nose hair trimmers in SkyMall catalogs.
Things That Are Beautiful About Milwaukee
Part 1 of a continuing series:
Milwaukee wind is notorious for managing to always blow in your face, no matter which direction you're facing. The maze of downtown buildings wraps it around and brings it back at you at just that moment when you thought you had escaped it.
That is not necessarily desirable in the winter. But for a few months a year, Milwaukee manages not to be winter. The climate takes a deep breath and gathers its energy like a lazy man getting out of a recliner. Eventually he heaves himself up and temperatures nudge their way into the upper 80's or 90's. He staggers to the fridge for a beer and soon enough it's winter again, but for those couple of months, the wind is wonderful.
The wind
Milwaukee wind is notorious for managing to always blow in your face, no matter which direction you're facing. The maze of downtown buildings wraps it around and brings it back at you at just that moment when you thought you had escaped it.
That is not necessarily desirable in the winter. But for a few months a year, Milwaukee manages not to be winter. The climate takes a deep breath and gathers its energy like a lazy man getting out of a recliner. Eventually he heaves himself up and temperatures nudge their way into the upper 80's or 90's. He staggers to the fridge for a beer and soon enough it's winter again, but for those couple of months, the wind is wonderful.
More Mike News!
I just finished putting the Mike Mangione lyrics site live. It doesn't have all of the lyrics to every song yet, but I'm working on it. Every bit of help...well, helps. So if you know the lyrics to a song, visit the site and send me a message over there.
Mike even linked to it from his site, which makes me feel pretty good inside.
MikeMangioneLyrics.com
Mike even linked to it from his site, which makes me feel pretty good inside.
MikeMangioneLyrics.com
UPD4TE!!!!1!!
A spam email warns me "SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND WANTS YOU DEAD."
This is pretty depressing. It's one thing to have spam constantly insinuating that your manhood isn't up to standard, but I've never seen one that foretells your imminent death. I'm not sure I like the direction the internet is going anymore.
This is pretty depressing. It's one thing to have spam constantly insinuating that your manhood isn't up to standard, but I've never seen one that foretells your imminent death. I'm not sure I like the direction the internet is going anymore.
What the Heck, Facebook?
Facebook's ads must be automatically generated based on my profile information. There's no way a human could make something as tacky as some of those ads are.
Observe:
Observe:
I Can Has Website
And I does! www.aaronmorey.org.
Sorry, I've never reference LOLcats before (and for good reason, they're as close as you can come to being below the intelligence level of this blog) but it's late and I'm not practicing good judgment.
Sorry, I've never reference LOLcats before (and for good reason, they're as close as you can come to being below the intelligence level of this blog) but it's late and I'm not practicing good judgment.
Things You Learn
Wearing your work ID badge into the confessional for face-to-face confession kills that last little glimmer of anonymity.
The Election Better Go My Way
It's a long tradition among actors to make threats if elections don't go the way they want them to. Since having good bone structure and being a good pretender is enough to make these people political experts, I don't think being homely and ignorant should keep me from expressing my opinions.
Let me just say it here: if Obama is elected, I will move to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. You heard me. I actually intend to go through with this, unlike any actor so far. I won't be escaping to the land of bidets and tiny cars, but I will still have things to look forward to.
Top Ten Ways to Know You're In Wisconsin
10) You are having someone read this list to you because your eyelashes are frozen together.
9) You are reading this list yourself thanks to your excellent MPS education.
8) John Madden is still saying the name of your town.
7) One good night at the plate in your softball league and Alderman McGee keeps calling your house.
6) You know that "the giant bronze Winkler" isn't anything dirty.
5) Someone in the room cares that the Brewers just dipped below .500.
4) You got teary eyed from reading the number of this item.
3) You are pre-gaming for the Packer's opener already.
2) You're pretty pumped for Pirate Fest.
1) Guy who was supposed to write number 1 fell in a pothole and hasn't been seen in three days.
Let me just say it here: if Obama is elected, I will move to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. You heard me. I actually intend to go through with this, unlike any actor so far. I won't be escaping to the land of bidets and tiny cars, but I will still have things to look forward to.
Top Ten Ways to Know You're In Wisconsin
10) You are having someone read this list to you because your eyelashes are frozen together.
9) You are reading this list yourself thanks to your excellent MPS education.
8) John Madden is still saying the name of your town.
7) One good night at the plate in your softball league and Alderman McGee keeps calling your house.
6) You know that "the giant bronze Winkler" isn't anything dirty.
5) Someone in the room cares that the Brewers just dipped below .500.
4) You got teary eyed from reading the number of this item.
3) You are pre-gaming for the Packer's opener already.
2) You're pretty pumped for Pirate Fest.
1) Guy who was supposed to write number 1 fell in a pothole and hasn't been seen in three days.
Gas Still Cheaper Than High Life
But it's getting closer.The difference is that I don't go through 2/3 of a gallon of High Life every time I drive to my friends' houses across town. Things would be more interesting if I did, though...
Food for Thought
The bible is long and complicated, and you live a busy life. So let an accredited theologian (me) do the work for you.
Today's Passage in a Minute is Acts 10:9-22.
Summary
God shows Peter some non-kosher animals and say "Eat them." Peter says no. God says "eat them," and Peter says no. God says "Shut up listen to me. Eat them." Peter says ok. Some people come over and Peter has dinner with them.
Live it out!
Find a centurion and go out for Baconators. Be sure to get cheese so it will be as non-kosher as possible.
Reflection
Ponder your mortality as your cholesterol level rises to the heavens like "a burnt offering... an aroma pleasing to the Lord."
Today's Passage in a Minute is Acts 10:9-22.
Summary
God shows Peter some non-kosher animals and say "Eat them." Peter says no. God says "eat them," and Peter says no. God says "Shut up listen to me. Eat them." Peter says ok. Some people come over and Peter has dinner with them.
Live it out!
Find a centurion and go out for Baconators. Be sure to get cheese so it will be as non-kosher as possible.
Reflection
Ponder your mortality as your cholesterol level rises to the heavens like "a burnt offering... an aroma pleasing to the Lord."
Crusader Poetry
I came across an article about an ancient crusader with a particularly interesting tomb.
According to one source, an inscription on his tomb reads: "You who tread upon me, you will also be trodden upon: think about that, and pray for me." So just to be safe, the people who maintain the church he's resting in made sure to put a sheet of glass over his tomb.
The guy's name is (seriously) Anselme de Cays. I was inspired to write a limerick.
*And if you're not going to spend any time in purgatory at all, you're probably not the kind of person who needs an ulterior motive to pray for somebody.
According to one source, an inscription on his tomb reads: "You who tread upon me, you will also be trodden upon: think about that, and pray for me." So just to be safe, the people who maintain the church he's resting in made sure to put a sheet of glass over his tomb.
The guy's name is (seriously) Anselme de Cays. I was inspired to write a limerick.
There's a tomb where a Knight Templar lays.Seriously, though, you should say a prayer for him. When you're sitting in purgatory* sweating off the effects of your sins, you'll want a Crusader praying for you.
If one day his body is raised
The worm and the heat
(If not trampling feet)
Will ensure we see Anselme deCays.
*And if you're not going to spend any time in purgatory at all, you're probably not the kind of person who needs an ulterior motive to pray for somebody.
Presidential Thoughts
I was thinking about Ron Paul earlier today, but when his name entered my head I said "John Paul" to myself instead. So, constitutionally speaking, can you write in a deceased Polish-born Roman for president?
A bit more self-publicizing
For those of you who are curious (and I mainly mean Google's searchbots), I'm working on a Mike Mangione lyrics site. There's a full listing of songs here.
The Great Duh-vorce
If you haven't read The Great Divorce by CS Lewis, you're missing out. go to the library and get it.
The premise is that a bunch of souls take a bus ride out of hell into the outskirts of heaven. So this book is pretty much about a bunch of spirits floating around. Strangely, this must not be as obvious as I thought. When we encounter a character named Dick on page 39, a reader felt need to make special note of this, to another reader's exasperation.
The premise is that a bunch of souls take a bus ride out of hell into the outskirts of heaven. So this book is pretty much about a bunch of spirits floating around. Strangely, this must not be as obvious as I thought. When we encounter a character named Dick on page 39, a reader felt need to make special note of this, to another reader's exasperation.
Publicity
This doesn't really serve much purpose other than to push Google to index my main web page. So go visit Aaron Morey's main site at dizzy.zacintosh.com. Be warned it's not in tip-top shape right now. I'm lacking in the time to fix everything that needs to be fixed, so this is all as-is. I really have made better web pages than that, believe it or not.
In the near future, the location of the site may change. I'll try to remember to go back and update this then.
Thank you,
The Management
In the near future, the location of the site may change. I'll try to remember to go back and update this then.
Thank you,
The Management
Monk Rock
Lame pun, I know.
But how else do you title a post about a group of monks who does Gregorian chant covers of popular music?
Some of them include Tears in Heaven, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, The Sound of Silence and My Immortal.
Strangely, one of the best is Losing My Religion.
Update: I'm not sure if they're really monks...
But how else do you title a post about a group of monks who does Gregorian chant covers of popular music?
Some of them include Tears in Heaven, Boulevard of Broken Dreams, The Sound of Silence and My Immortal.
Strangely, one of the best is Losing My Religion.
Update: I'm not sure if they're really monks...
Speaking of John C. Wright
It's Like Pizza Flavored Beer!*
Those who know me, know that I love several things: The Lord of the Rings, humor and pointless arguments. Thanks to a post linked by John C. Wright, I am able to indulge all of those in a single blog post: Lord of the Rings and Property Law.
Don't know anything about property law? Neither does 95% of the rest of the internet. Don't let that stop you from commenting!
*
Don't know anything about property law? Neither does 95% of the rest of the internet. Don't let that stop you from commenting!
*
The Peanuts Are Complimentary*
In a previous post about Mike Mangione, I used the word "complimentary." Normally I'm a bit of a stickler for proper English, but I'm not completely sure whether I used the correct synonym.
*
*
A Flametroll Movie Poll
This is a poll. I know there are at least a couple of readers out there. Do me a favor and leave a quick comment telling me whether I'm on the right track with this. Among my friends, I'm apparently in the great minority on this issue, so I'd like to know if I'm crazy.
Having seen it again, I repeat my impression of the movie: a shrug and and "ehh." I didn't hate it. I just didn't particularly like it. To me, it didn't mean anything. A lot of stuff happened, but why? For what purpose? What should I take away from this movie?
Everyone asked how I could like Lord of the Rings and not like Pan's Labyrinth. Because The Lord of the Rings means something. It shows human virtue in the face of evil. At its best (and the movie messes up Faramir when it doesn't understand this point), it shows that seizing ultimate power (the Ring) eats you up and spits you out. It shows a Christian understanding of stewardship over nature (why do you think the Ents join the good guys instead of joining Saruman?) And ultimately it comes to a satisfying conclusion. Bad guys get their comeuppance, good guys get their just desserts. The old, whose time is passing, are escorted off to Paradise.
Pan's Labyrinth couldn't muster any of this. Instead, it ends in a pile of corpses. How should I feel about this display of special effects movie blood? I shrug and I'll have forgotten the movie tomorrow.
I saw Pan's Labyrinth for the second time last night. Before we put it on, I commented that I didn't think it was a very good movie. Immediately, I got slammed with all 10 people in the room telling me what a great movie it was. The phrases "artistic masterpiece" and "best movie ever" were actually used.
Having seen it again, I repeat my impression of the movie: a shrug and and "ehh." I didn't hate it. I just didn't particularly like it. To me, it didn't mean anything. A lot of stuff happened, but why? For what purpose? What should I take away from this movie?
Everyone asked how I could like Lord of the Rings and not like Pan's Labyrinth. Because The Lord of the Rings means something. It shows human virtue in the face of evil. At its best (and the movie messes up Faramir when it doesn't understand this point), it shows that seizing ultimate power (the Ring) eats you up and spits you out. It shows a Christian understanding of stewardship over nature (why do you think the Ents join the good guys instead of joining Saruman?) And ultimately it comes to a satisfying conclusion. Bad guys get their comeuppance, good guys get their just desserts. The old, whose time is passing, are escorted off to Paradise.
Pan's Labyrinth couldn't muster any of this. Instead, it ends in a pile of corpses. How should I feel about this display of special effects movie blood? I shrug and I'll have forgotten the movie tomorrow.
I Sometimes Tell People I Have the Memory Span of a Goldfish
Apparently, that's insulting toward goldfish.
Political Polytheism?
By now, I'm sure we all know that Barack Obama is the Messiah.
But how many of us are aware that Hillary Clinton is too? According to James Carville, Gov. Bill Richardson is guilty of selling the Clintons out for thirty pieces of silver.
Apparently, Richardson doesn't set his sights high enough. Silver is currently hovering around $17 an ounce, while gold is pushing a grand.
But I digress (that's what I do). What's really important is that we find out who the real Messiah is, and pronto. When he/she comes back and we're worshipping the wrong Messiah, there's going to be hell to pay (literally, heh. Rimshot.).
Here are some options:
John McCain - He actually got tortured. Also, he's the one in the race who is most likely to respond to the name "Ancient of Days."
Ron Paul - The "John Dear, SJ Jesus." Came to overthrow the power of Caesar, got whacked by his own people.
Steve Adams - I don't even know who he is:
But how many of us are aware that Hillary Clinton is too? According to James Carville, Gov. Bill Richardson is guilty of selling the Clintons out for thirty pieces of silver.
Apparently, Richardson doesn't set his sights high enough. Silver is currently hovering around $17 an ounce, while gold is pushing a grand.
But I digress (that's what I do). What's really important is that we find out who the real Messiah is, and pronto. When he/she comes back and we're worshipping the wrong Messiah, there's going to be hell to pay (literally, heh. Rimshot.).
Here are some options:
John McCain - He actually got tortured. Also, he's the one in the race who is most likely to respond to the name "Ancient of Days."
Ron Paul - The "John Dear, SJ Jesus." Came to overthrow the power of Caesar, got whacked by his own people.
Steve Adams - I don't even know who he is:
Mike is Hitting it Big
A couple of months ago, I broke the story of Mike Mangione to the world of blogs. Catching up with the trend, the widely-read Catholic blog American Papist has a profile of Mike and the band.
Go check it out, the coverage is extremely complimentary. There's even some video of the show.
Update: Buy his new CD Tenebrae
Spirituality in the Bathroom
I was thinking the other day about a situation that came up with a friend and I a couple of years ago. A friend of mine goes to a Franciscan school and I go to a Jesuit school. When we were both assigned to clean bathrooms as a part of the service team on a retreat, the following situation arose:
There was a stall where someone kept locking it from the inside and then getting out somehow, leaving the stall locked. My friend and I both encountered this stall, but we didn't compare notes about it until later. My friend got into the stall by getting on the floor and crawling under the door. Once inside, he cleaned the toilet, unlocked the door and left. When it was my turn to clean that stall, I twisted the piece of metal on the outside of the door that connects to the inside lock handle. The door opened. I cleaned the toilet.
I think that, in a nutshell, illustrates the difference between Jesuit and Franciscan spirituality.
There was a stall where someone kept locking it from the inside and then getting out somehow, leaving the stall locked. My friend and I both encountered this stall, but we didn't compare notes about it until later. My friend got into the stall by getting on the floor and crawling under the door. Once inside, he cleaned the toilet, unlocked the door and left. When it was my turn to clean that stall, I twisted the piece of metal on the outside of the door that connects to the inside lock handle. The door opened. I cleaned the toilet.
I think that, in a nutshell, illustrates the difference between Jesuit and Franciscan spirituality.
Alex Trebek: Invincible?
Judge for yourself:
Source: Wikipedia
On Friday, January 30, 2004, Trebek escaped major injury after falling asleep behind the wheel of his pickup truck while driving alone on a rural road in the Central Coast town of Templeton, California, returning from a family home in Lake Nacimiento. The truck sideswiped a string of mailboxes, flew 45 feet over an embankment, and came to rest against a utility pole in a ditch. Trebek was not cited for the accident and returned to work taping Jeopardy! the following Tuesday.and
On December 11, 2007, Trebek was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center after suffering a minor heart attack in his home. He was released on December 15, 2007. Trebek returned to the production of Jeopardy! as scheduled on January 14, 2008 to tape the Teen Tournament.AND
In late 2001, during Jeopardy!'s 18th season, Trebek shaved the mustache that he had worn for over 30 years.Now I don't want to jump to conclusions, but he might be immortal.
Source: Wikipedia
Public Service Announcement
Hi everyone, I'm here today to talk about a very important and rather baffling public health issue. Yes, I think you know what I mean: sidewalk underwear.
As I am walking down the sidewalk looking at my feet like all good introverts do, with disturbing frequency I see an item of underwear lying there on the ground. Why is that?
My faithful public, this is Milwaukee! It's February. The temperature never cracked double digits yesterday. There is no reason to need to remove your undergarments. Anything you don't keep covered is in serious risk of frostbite.
And besides that, there is no good reason to place your removed undergarments on the sidewalk. There are trashcans at frequent intervals throughout the city. You may safely and confidentially dispose of your used underwear in any of those recepticals. Think of them as your very own publicly funded laundry hampers, assuming you never want to see your laundry again.
Ladies and gentlemen, I urge you to take a stand against sidewalk underwear this winter! Neither Barack Obama nor Hillary Clinton addressed this issue while they were in town. Don't allow them to "skirt" the issue. We must get to the "bottom" of this!
As I am walking down the sidewalk looking at my feet like all good introverts do, with disturbing frequency I see an item of underwear lying there on the ground. Why is that?
My faithful public, this is Milwaukee! It's February. The temperature never cracked double digits yesterday. There is no reason to need to remove your undergarments. Anything you don't keep covered is in serious risk of frostbite.
And besides that, there is no good reason to place your removed undergarments on the sidewalk. There are trashcans at frequent intervals throughout the city. You may safely and confidentially dispose of your used underwear in any of those recepticals. Think of them as your very own publicly funded laundry hampers, assuming you never want to see your laundry again.
Ladies and gentlemen, I urge you to take a stand against sidewalk underwear this winter! Neither Barack Obama nor Hillary Clinton addressed this issue while they were in town. Don't allow them to "skirt" the issue. We must get to the "bottom" of this!
Dietary Update
What I ate yesterday:
I'm doing ok, considering.
- Cinnamon Toast Crunch
- Bacon and Beans
- Banana
- Yogurt
- Peanut butter sandwich
- Chips Ahoy
- Leftover Hamburger Helper
I'm doing ok, considering.
Haikus
Today in Theology 135 (Theology of the Early Church) we learned about the history of Judaism. This is remarkable similar to what we learned yesterday in Theo 184 (Judaism). So I wrote haikus instead.
Oh great destructionSomewhat more flippantly, I also came up with this:
The Holy of Holies burned
One wall left standing.
How they weep and wail
Rebecca, hear your children!
Can God be with us?
Where will He live now?
What tabernacle could hold
Blazing shekinah?
God becomes content
—His glory in disguise—
To dwell in our guts
Nice coincidenceAnd:
Babylonian exile
Has good syllables
Let's all write haiku
And soon enough discover
Who here can count
For the Sake of the Fish
I love NPR. They always have reports about weird little issues that you would never hear about anywhere else.I was listening to the radio today and they had a long, straight-faced report about the plight of the delta smelt. They probably didn't care all that much about the issue itself (although it was interesting). Mostly, it seemed they just wanted to see how many times they could say "delta smelt" in a single report and still be taken seriously (I think it must have been about 30).
In the end, though, I was disappointed that they finished up with out any "you smelta, you delta" jokes.
More Fred Thompson
Regardless of whether he would be a good president, he's fun to watch.
And who's the loser to his left that tentatively chimes in "I'm with him" after the point has already been made?
And who's the loser to his left that tentatively chimes in "I'm with him" after the point has already been made?
How I Became An Internet Source
I edited a page on Wikipedia for the first time today! I know, I know, I'm 3 years behind the times on that. But I'm now a part of the world's knowledge of Maximilian Kolbe. Sure, if you click the "History" tab above that story, you'll see that IP address 134.48.241.55 only claims to have "[c]leaned up a run-on sentence and informal language in the paragraph about Kolbe's parents"--but that cleaner, more streamlined sentence is now going to make it that much easier for people to learn about St. Kolbe.
I think I've done my duty to society today. No need to finish writing that Kolbe paper.
I think I've done my duty to society today. No need to finish writing that Kolbe paper.
When Autumn Comes With Leaves Last Breath
It's finally starting to feel like fall here in Milwaukee. Up until last week, it was still in the 60's. I couldn't really get into the feel of fall.
When fall comes, I find that my taste in music changes. During the summer, I listen to a lot of upbeat, fun music. Classic rock, Dave Matthews Band, OAR, things like that. But as soon as it starts to feel like fall, I'm just not as interested. Suddenly, I find myself listening to more mellow acoustic music.
And that brings me to a great band that you are missing out on if you're not listening to: Mike Mangione and the Band. Not only is he a great musician backed by a group of great musicians, he's also little known (right now). When he hits it big, you can talk about how you were listening to him way back in the day. "Before he went commercial," I assume you'll add because you music snobs are all like that.
If you live in the Milwaukee area, he's got a show at Linnemans Bar on December 14th.
Just so you know...
I write at a high school reading level! Apparently, articles about pirates, boogers and robot marriage are just what the Gunning-Fog index* is looking for.
EDIT: Apparently, my rating changed overnight. When I tried it again I found that I'm only junior high now.
*I think The Gunning Fog would be an excellent superhero.
Public Service Announcement
Be careful how you handle other people's truffles.
Source: The Independent
"This was an extraordinary act of truffle-squishing. We can only guess at what provoked it," said a Hotel Chocolat spokesman
Source: The Independent
It's that 90% of Computer Scientists Who Make the Other 10% Of Us Look Like Nerds
I drove past a firehouse today with a couple of engineer friends and we discussed how unfair life is for engineers and computer scientists like us. For some reason, women go crazy for firemen, but "I'm a computer programmer" is not an effective pickup line. Why is that the case?Well, I came home and, to my dismay, found out exactly why. An artificial intelligence researcher in the Netherlands just published a thesis entitled "Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners." I'm not making this up. It's about the possibility of humans marrying artificially intelligent robots.
Doesn't this guy realize that he is just setting us back even further? Or do he and his robo-wife not care about the rest of us?
Further Clarification
There has been some confusion, so I am here to set the record straight. Pope Awesomus I is entirely distinct from Brad Ausmus. Admittedly, Pope Awesomus I did not go to Dartmouth or play 14 major league seasons. However, Brad Ausmus has an OPS of .666 against left handed pitchers. This is a sure sign that he is not a true leader of the Church. Don't be deceived.
Oh, And By the Way...
If you don't believe that any old dork can declare himself Pope, you've clearly never heard of Pope Micheal.
You might want to especially check out this page and this page.
"Roma locuta est. Causa finita est." Thou shalt "Paste text here"!
You Can't Excommunicate Me, I'm Baptized!*
I haven't told too many people this yet, but I'm starting my own Church. I am calling myself Pope Awesomus I, but I still haven't decided on the a name for the Church itself. I'm open to suggestions in the comments.
Riad is my first Cardinal, but if any of you would like to become a Cardinal (or hold a position on one my Congregations) let me know. So far, I'm still holding out for Tommy to be the head of the Congregation for the Promulgation of the Pizza. Any others are open.
Don't worry, I'm not actually planning on permanently leaving the Catholic Church. I'm just holding out to have my new Church recognized as a rite. I will gladly reduce my position to Patriarch Awesomus I once the Pope recognizes us. Until the Liturgy of Awesomus can be completed, we will be using the Liturgy of John Chrysostom (since the church offering it is less than 2 blocks from where I live). But I will not forbid my followers to go to Novus Ordo, Tridentine, Divine Liturgy of St. James, the Divine Liturgy of St. Mark or the Divine Liturgy of St. Basil either. But I will not allow liturgical dancing under any circumstances.
*In case any of you were worried about my eternal soul, don't be. I have recently learned that schismatics are still totally ok. A learned schismatic canon lawyer has informed me that baptism makes you totally immune to all that nasty excommunication stuff that Rome is always all up in our grill about.
Riad is my first Cardinal, but if any of you would like to become a Cardinal (or hold a position on one my Congregations) let me know. So far, I'm still holding out for Tommy to be the head of the Congregation for the Promulgation of the Pizza. Any others are open.
Don't worry, I'm not actually planning on permanently leaving the Catholic Church. I'm just holding out to have my new Church recognized as a rite. I will gladly reduce my position to Patriarch Awesomus I once the Pope recognizes us. Until the Liturgy of Awesomus can be completed, we will be using the Liturgy of John Chrysostom (since the church offering it is less than 2 blocks from where I live). But I will not forbid my followers to go to Novus Ordo, Tridentine, Divine Liturgy of St. James, the Divine Liturgy of St. Mark or the Divine Liturgy of St. Basil either. But I will not allow liturgical dancing under any circumstances.
*In case any of you were worried about my eternal soul, don't be. I have recently learned that schismatics are still totally ok. A learned schismatic canon lawyer has informed me that baptism makes you totally immune to all that nasty excommunication stuff that Rome is always all up in our grill about.
200 Proof Excellence
I was just reading my friend Tommy's blog when I realized how good one of his old articles is. A girl wrote a trying-to-be-edgy Viewpoint in the Marquette Tribune about how it's a shame that a Catholic school does not provide students with contraception.
Tommy and I refused to be outdone. If someone out there is lowering the level of discourse, we can always go lower. Don't even try.
What we came up with was this. Booger jokes? Yeah, we went there.
Thrilling, compelling stuff. If you don't believe this could possibly get published in a serious journalistic publication, you're right.
Edit: It appears that the Tribune site doesn't have the entirety of the Cura Vaginalis article. You can find the full text and a good commentary on the whole event here.
Tommy and I refused to be outdone. If someone out there is lowering the level of discourse, we can always go lower. Don't even try.
What we came up with was this. Booger jokes? Yeah, we went there.
Marquette students have boogers. There, I said it. We all get them. What do we do with them? Some scratch them. Others pick them discreetly with Kleenex. Still others brazenly dive in wrist-deep. I am one of those who dive right in.
Thrilling, compelling stuff. If you don't believe this could possibly get published in a serious journalistic publication, you're right.
Edit: It appears that the Tribune site doesn't have the entirety of the Cura Vaginalis article. You can find the full text and a good commentary on the whole event here.
I'm Just Here to Remind You I'm Not Dead
Sorry, no new material from me today. But if you'd like a good laugh, you can check out Dr. McAdams' new conspiracy theory, in which I am inexplicably named despite having no official position within Catholic Outreach.
Or, if you're looking for something that's intentionally humorous, you could do worse than checking out Tommy's latest post on what will hopefully become a continuously updated series.
All right, I'm out. Enjoy the next indefinite period of time until I get back to blogging again!
Or, if you're looking for something that's intentionally humorous, you could do worse than checking out Tommy's latest post on what will hopefully become a continuously updated series.
All right, I'm out. Enjoy the next indefinite period of time until I get back to blogging again!
Recently Found on Facebook
Can you guess which of these pictures shows the lead singer of Pearl Jam?
I'm Pretty Proud of This
I took a political test today. My placement didn't mean much when it looked like this:
But then I clicked on the button to show how you relate to famous people:
I kinda like that.
Also, what on earth is Adam Sandler's political affiliation? And who's the buggy eyed guy on the top in the middle?
But then I clicked on the button to show how you relate to famous people:
I kinda like that.
Also, what on earth is Adam Sandler's political affiliation? And who's the buggy eyed guy on the top in the middle?
Theology of the Pizza
Hopefully this will inspire Tommy to give me his full Theology of the Pizza dissertation. We'll see how it goes.
For a better view, click here
Francis Moehn 1916-2007
My grandfather passed away in December, just short of his 91st birthday. I should have posted about him then because he was an incredible man. I'll have to make it up now.As a child, he caught polio and was forced into quarantine for six weeks. The only person he was allowed to be in the same room with was the nun who took care of him. He survived, but his knees were never strong again. It was largely because of these leg problems that he was rejected from the Army after he was drafted for World War II. Oddly, if it weren't for polio, my mom, seven aunts and uncles and twenty-some cousins and I might not be here today.
As an young man, he took on a job that should naturally be left to German-Irish Catholics: he opened a bar. He and his wife worked together at the bar. They also single-handedly (double-handedly, really) built the house that they lived in for nearly 60 years. They settled there to raise eight children born over the course of twenty five years.
When the bar business went bad, he became a mail man. He worked at the post office for nearly thirty years until his retirement. In retirement he attended daily Mass and worked on his baby, a 1910-era Ford Model T.
This is how I remember my grandfather Francis Moehn. Although I will have fun with his collection of stuff in the next post, he meant a lot more than that. More than stuff, I'll still have those memories of Eggo waffles and Uno games and scrambled fairy tales (to this day, I really don't know whether he was joking or confused about those).
A Presidential Candidate I Can Support
Fred Thompson
I also unearthed secret evidence of a plot to make him even more awesome.
Why yes, it is finals week. Why do you ask?
I also unearthed secret evidence of a plot to make him even more awesome.
Why yes, it is finals week. Why do you ask?
My Pet Peeve of the Day
Today's post is brought to you by the letters A, B, C and D and the numbers 0 through 2007.
Maybe I'm alone on this, but I can't stand it when people mark dates by the eras of CE and BCE. Common Era and Before Common Era? What's so common about the last 2007 years? Why should the 4.6 billion years that the earth existed before then not be considered common?
There is no good reason for it.
Maybe I'm alone on this, but I can't stand it when people mark dates by the eras of CE and BCE. Common Era and Before Common Era? What's so common about the last 2007 years? Why should the 4.6 billion years that the earth existed before then not be considered common?
There is no good reason for it.
We, the People of the Jury, Have Reached a Verdict
McDonald's on the corner of 25th and Wisconsin, you have been convicted of five counts of not giving a crap.Count 1: For having an employee leaning against the counter doing nothing while 3 people waited in line at the one open register.
Count 2: For barking "Hold on!" with annoyance to a customer trying to order through the drive-through.*
Count 3: For looking generally displeased that customers are interrupting your day by trying to order food.
Count 4: For giving me a dollar-bill in change for a charge of $4.01, rather than counting out the change.**
Count 5: For allowing the employee leaning against the counter to cut in front of customers in line and announce "I'm ordering now."
Counts 1-4 are misdemeanors which carry a penalty of 10-20 hours of customer service for each count. Count 5 is a felony count of reckless disregard for human decency. It carries a penalty of one hour of me muttering under my breath to be consecutively followed by an angry blog posting.
Bailiff, take them away.
*Note: One charge of spelling "drive-through" as "drive-thru" has been dropped because responsibility for that ultimately rests on the corporation of McDonalds as a whole.
**Note: Normally this offense would be let off with a warning, but the defendants lack of giving a crap in other areas has led to this charge being prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Dubious Honors
I discovered while perusing Google Analytics that I am the top Google hit for the phrase "this can't be wrong when it feels so right" (without the quote marks). I'm also the top hit for the phrase "poor decision." Those are both pretty accurate descriptions for my blog, I think.
On the weirder side, I got a hit from the phrase "vanna white toothbrush." I don't know why anyone would want to search those terms, but if you do you'll find me.
I love Google Analytics.
On the weirder side, I got a hit from the phrase "vanna white toothbrush." I don't know why anyone would want to search those terms, but if you do you'll find me.
I love Google Analytics.
My First Public Service in the New Year!
Happy New Year everybody!
I have a confession to make. When I celebrated the new year, my friends and I just yelled out the tune to Auld Lang Syne without singing any words. Because, honestly, we don't know any of them. So for all you curious folk, here they are:
Traditional Auld Lang Syne (According to Robert Burns)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
We twa hae run about the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine.
We've wandered mony a weary foot,
Sin' auld lang syne.
We twa hae sported i' the burn,
From morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.
And ther's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll tak' a right good willie-waught,
For auld lang syne.
Source
As you can see, it was written as a result of Irishmen drinking too much on New Year's Eve and trying to speak understandable English (which in itself is a difficult enough task for many Irish). But I have to say, whenever I pou the gowans fine, I also feel the urge to drink heavily and write a song about it. So I can't really blame them.
I have a confession to make. When I celebrated the new year, my friends and I just yelled out the tune to Auld Lang Syne without singing any words. Because, honestly, we don't know any of them. So for all you curious folk, here they are:
Traditional Auld Lang Syne (According to Robert Burns)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
We twa hae run about the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine.
We've wandered mony a weary foot,
Sin' auld lang syne.
We twa hae sported i' the burn,
From morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.
And ther's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll tak' a right good willie-waught,
For auld lang syne.
Source
As you can see, it was written as a result of Irishmen drinking too much on New Year's Eve and trying to speak understandable English (which in itself is a difficult enough task for many Irish). But I have to say, whenever I pou the gowans fine, I also feel the urge to drink heavily and write a song about it. So I can't really blame them.
I'm World Famous
Last week was a big week for The Flametroll. A post about Time Man of the Year Richard Dawkins brought in a couple of very passionate new commenters. This blog must have had literally a dozen hits.Time Magazine's Man of the Year, The Emerson Avenger, felt so strongly about the post that he commented on it five times. That's apparently some kind of symbology that I wouldn't understand, having not seen The daVinci Code.
Meanwhile 2006 Man of the Year, Tony, thinks I'm an idiot. Apparently he hasn't read my entire blog or he would know for a fact that I am an idiot.
Then my good friend, Man of the Year Ryan posted to say that I might have a been a bit harsh on the poor old guy (Dawkins that is, not the old guy that I pushed down the stairs. Ryan thought that was funny and well-deserved).
So let me make it clear what I meant. Richard Dawkins is not a worthless person. He is not without intrinsic value. In fact, now that we are in the (liturgical) Christmas season, the prayers of Liturgy of the Hours have been reflecting on the coming of Christ to earth as a human in order to redeem humanity. Thanks to the Father's act of creating us and the Son's coming to save us*, we are all of infinite value. Don't mistake my disagreement on ideology with a hatred for the man.
What I do believe is that Mr. Dawkins' idea are dangerous and should be dealt with both truthfully and with a sense of humor. No one wants to read angry vitriol countered by more anger. I believe (and I think my hero and Time Magazine's Man of the Year GK Chesterton would have agreed) that such ideas are better countered with a laugh and a "snap out of it!" than anger or long-winded refutation. That's all I tried to do and it's all I'm really qualified for.
Having said that, I have one last question. . .where did you new guys come from? I'm curious how you found my blog and I would appreciate a comment letting me know, if you're still around.
Merry Christmas and happy Feast of Saint Stephen! May we all be living for something worth dying for.
*No offense to the Holy Spirit, He's doing good work too.
Richard Dawkins Denies the Moon
 |
| The old prankster cracks a smile. |
I've been meaning to write up a big ol' post about Time's 2006 Man of the Year, Richard Dawkins. But then I got bored of him, so I'll just repost something I wrote a while ago. Because you deserve to know what I think.
The quotes are pulled from a Slate interview with Dawkins and responses from people who read it.
I have a lot of issues with Richard Dawkins. And it's not mainly that he's an atheist. It's that he's an pompous windbag who has apparently never taken his opponent's viewpoints with the slightest bit of seriousness. He doesn't seem to stop to subject his opinions to the same rigor that he requires of religious thinkers.
This quote is a great example:
Salon's interview with Richard Dawkins: "Everybody nowadays is an atheist about Thor and Apollo. Some of us just go one god further."That's just blatant ignorance of what religious people believe. We aren't atheistic about Zeus in the sense that atheism is used in any other context. We still believe in the concept of God, just not that the concept of God takes the form of Zeus.
Everyone today disbelieves that the moon is cheese. Why doesn't he go all the way and disbelieve in the moon?
But, of course, he doesn't stop to make subtle distinctions like form vs concept. If science is the only form of knowledge, why bother yourself with stupid things like philosophy?
I heard him on Penn Jillette's radio show a couple of weeks ago. He claims that we are better off without God or any sense of spirituality. He says there is beauty in the universe and that there can be aesthetics without God. Yet, just moments later he spoke of people breeding dogs that "look funny" and roses that "look useful."
If looking "funny" or "useful" are the depths of his sense of aesthetics, I don't think he really does have any concept of beauty.
Dawkins has also claimed "the more intelligent you are, the more likely you are to be an atheist"Another axample of how cold and humorless this man is: he didn't know from watching The Colbert Report that Stephen Colbert was joking. He did finally catch on and guested on the show. Now says with total confidence that the reported church-going Catholic Colbert doesn't "really" believe in God, because he seems too intelligent for that.
[Dawkins says] that the question what is our purpose in life? "[is] not a question that deserves an answer."And possibly the most convincing evidence that he is as much a closed-minded bigot as any religious person: when he senses that there might be questions science can't answer, he doesn't entertain the question and think how to answer it. He simply refuses to ask the question and speaks scornfully of people who do.
I'll close with a quote from Time Magazine's 2006 Man of the Year, Mark Shea: "Honestly, don't these people have something useful to do with their time?"
Sorry, that was a portion of a long rant I've been saving up for a while. Thanks for listening (or, more likely, skimming).
I Don't Know Anything Any More
I had a very confusing day yesterday. As I was browsing some news headlines, I learned that the Church of England is totally cool with infanticide. That later turned out to be untrue, but it still leaves me with one question. . . why was the story's title "Gay Gatsby got Capote fired"?
Coming Soon to a Monitor Near You
I recently received the honor of being invited to join a group blog run by my friend Scotty. I will be guest writing along with such blogosphere luminaries as Tommy and Ryan.
Have no fear, faithful reader(s) and creepy stalker(s)! I will still blog here. Probably with no less frequency than I post now (as if that's a high mark to surpass).
So check out And So It Is Written and keep going back. It only has one post now, but there's sure to be a furious storm of goodness coming right toward your proverbial boarded-up beach house of boredom, with a chance of over-extended metaphores and run-on sentences, in the near future.
Have no fear, faithful reader(s) and creepy stalker(s)! I will still blog here. Probably with no less frequency than I post now (as if that's a high mark to surpass).
So check out And So It Is Written and keep going back. It only has one post now, but there's sure to be a furious storm of goodness coming right toward your proverbial boarded-up beach house of boredom, with a chance of over-extended metaphores and run-on sentences, in the near future.
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. If you're going to blatantly rip off Tommy, you should at least have something funny to say.
Pre-Results Election Roundup
Lamest Story of the Day Award goes to the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's election blog entry: Poll Worker Mistakenly Asks for IDs.
If you're too lazy to read it (I know I would be), I'll summarize. A poll worker mistakenly asks for a voter to show ID. He does not, although his wife reaches for hers. A polling official tells the worker not to ask for ID. Democrats complain.
Weasliest Story: Fair Wisconsin (a group opposing the amendment limiting marriage to a man and a woman) called voters leaving a message insinuating that voting "no" would be a no to gay marriage, not a no to the amendment banning gay marriage. I realize there were a lot of negatives in that sentence. Try to keep up, Junior.
According to The Journal Sentinel, the message was a follows:
Fair Wisconsin apparently realizes that they have nothing to lose (if the amendment fails, they won't be an organization tomorrow morning). The Marquette group Students for a Fair Wisconsin violated Marquette University rules by distributing campaign materials in dorms and campus housing.
If you're too lazy to read it (I know I would be), I'll summarize. A poll worker mistakenly asks for a voter to show ID. He does not, although his wife reaches for hers. A polling official tells the worker not to ask for ID. Democrats complain.
Weasliest Story: Fair Wisconsin (a group opposing the amendment limiting marriage to a man and a woman) called voters leaving a message insinuating that voting "no" would be a no to gay marriage, not a no to the amendment banning gay marriage. I realize there were a lot of negatives in that sentence. Try to keep up, Junior.
According to The Journal Sentinel, the message was a follows:
Hi, this is Sue. Today is election day, and when you go to vote, I urge you to remember our children. I urge you to vote No on the constitutional amendment on gay marriage. Vote No to send a message that some things are too important to change. In Wisconsin, marriage is a man and a woman. Vote No to make sure activist judges don't get involved and determine what marriage might mean, like they have in other states. Vote No to protect our children, our families, and our way of life. Vote No on the gay marriage amendment.
"Authorized and paid for by Fair Wisconsin Committee, Michael Childress, Treasurer."
Fair Wisconsin apparently realizes that they have nothing to lose (if the amendment fails, they won't be an organization tomorrow morning). The Marquette group Students for a Fair Wisconsin violated Marquette University rules by distributing campaign materials in dorms and campus housing.
You Know It's Ecumenism When No One Goes Home Happy
Not all Christian leaders happy with papal vespers service
REGENSBURG, Germany (CNS) -- Pope Benedict XVI participated in an ecumenical vespers service in Regensburg's cathedral, but not all Christian representatives were happy with the outcome. A Lutheran-Reformed bishop felt the pope put too much emphasis on relations with the Orthodox. An Orthodox representative expressed surprise that a Lutheran-Reformed bishop had been allowed to speak. A Methodist minister said he felt excluded because much of the singing was in Latin. Before the Sept. 12 service, Pope Benedict was introduced to representatives of the 16 members of the Association of Christian Churches in Bavaria, as well as to representatives of the Jewish community. They met in nearby St. Ulrich's Church and made their way in a procession from there to the cathedral. Parts of the vespers service were conducted by representatives of the Orthodox churches, and Lutheran-Reformed Bishop Johannes Friedrich of Bavaria read a meditation and called for Christian unity that allows room for differences.
It's pretty funny how all of them complained about a Catholic ceremony that they agreed to participate in. There was Latin? In a Catholic prayer? No Wittenburg, Werlock.
But my favorite part is the Orthodox complaint. He was apparently angry that the Lutheran even got speak. I have a visual image of an Orthodox bishop mocking a Lutheran. "Who here has valid orders? Oh yeah, not you--so shut up."
Thanks to the Rockford Diocese Observer and Catholic News Service.
Color or Diet?
Not as Gross as Many of our Other Franchise Locations!
I was hungry today after work, so I stopped at a local Mexican fast food restaurant. I will refer to it as Burrito Gong.* Behind the counter was a sign that read:
"We wash and sanitize our hands."I guess that is supposed to make us feel confident in the cleanliness of the food making environment. But what it said to me is "This restaurant adheres to the bare minimum of hygenic practice."
Shouldn't it really should go without saying that employees wash their hands in the kitchen of a restaurant?
*In order to protect Taco Bell's identity.
Fun with Spam
I got hit on by a spammer a few days ago. Among my junk mail filter's usual drivel about v1agra and Russian mail-order brides, I also received a love letter. This email came from a certain Siegfried Conroy and had the unremarkable heading "bizarre." But in the preview window, I could read the first line of the message:
I googled Siegfried to see if he was the kind of guy I might be willing to tell all of my thoughts to. He didn't show up anywhere on google. That means that next time poor Siegfried googles his own name, I'm going to be the first hit. That's what I call free publicity!
/* GOOGLE, PLEASE READ HERE */
Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy
/* THANKS! */
Come uptonight and well spoon in the moonlight and you can tell me your thoughtsHow sweet!
I googled Siegfried to see if he was the kind of guy I might be willing to tell all of my thoughts to. He didn't show up anywhere on google. That means that next time poor Siegfried googles his own name, I'm going to be the first hit. That's what I call free publicity!
/* GOOGLE, PLEASE READ HERE */
Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried ConroySiegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy spoon Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy Siegfried Conroy
/* THANKS! */
It's a Boy!
I'm the proud daddy of a brand new
It comes with lots of accessories, including this image taken from the Apple website.
It comes with lots of accessories, including this image taken from the Apple website.
Wake Me Up Before You Comment
Recently, I was at the gym running. As you may know, there are six TVs in the room with the treadmills. At any given time, at least seven of them are either watching Entertainment Tonight or MTV. (I think that might tell you something about the demographics of the gym itself, but that would be stereotyping so I won't comment any further about the brainless crap gym-going females like to watch.)
Anyway, an episode of Entertainment Tonight came on, prominently featuring an interview with George Michael. If you were born after 1979, you may be wondering why George Michael is famous. So am I. Apparently it was for being a member of the band Wham! (the exclamation point is his, not mine. I don't find the band so exciting that it deserves special punctuation.) They were known for the hit (relatively speaking for 80's music) songs "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" and "Honkytonk Badonkadonk."
Anyway, thanks to the miracle of closed captioning (how does it work, anyway?) I could see that George Michael was being interviewed about having an affair with a random man in the bushes of a local park*.
Anyway, he seemed very offended by the fact that the interviewer was asking him about his affair (one bush stand? Trimming more than the hedges? Don't get me started, I'll go on all day.)
Anyway, his offendedness struck me as odd. Why did he accept the invitation to be interviewed on the show if he didn't want to talk about the only thing that has put him in the news since before I was even born? Was he expecting questions about the weather ("Yes, I do think it's pretty hot out there.")? Or gas prices ("They are triple what they were before I became a washed-up B-list celebrity.")?
Anyway, it all seems sort of disingenuous. Either he is completely clueless, or he was willing to get drilled on national TV just so he could get a little spotlight time. Apparently when his 15 minutes of fame got over, he cut in front of my place in line and went back through.
Anyway, the main point of this post (as always) is that everyone should link to my blog, if only to correct this injustice.
*Strangely enough, this is the only true part of my post.
Anyway, an episode of Entertainment Tonight came on, prominently featuring an interview with George Michael. If you were born after 1979, you may be wondering why George Michael is famous. So am I. Apparently it was for being a member of the band Wham! (the exclamation point is his, not mine. I don't find the band so exciting that it deserves special punctuation.) They were known for the hit (relatively speaking for 80's music) songs "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" and "Honkytonk Badonkadonk."
Anyway, thanks to the miracle of closed captioning (how does it work, anyway?) I could see that George Michael was being interviewed about having an affair with a random man in the bushes of a local park*.
Anyway, he seemed very offended by the fact that the interviewer was asking him about his affair (one bush stand? Trimming more than the hedges? Don't get me started, I'll go on all day.)
Anyway, his offendedness struck me as odd. Why did he accept the invitation to be interviewed on the show if he didn't want to talk about the only thing that has put him in the news since before I was even born? Was he expecting questions about the weather ("Yes, I do think it's pretty hot out there.")? Or gas prices ("They are triple what they were before I became a washed-up B-list celebrity.")?
Anyway, it all seems sort of disingenuous. Either he is completely clueless, or he was willing to get drilled on national TV just so he could get a little spotlight time. Apparently when his 15 minutes of fame got over, he cut in front of my place in line and went back through.
Anyway, the main point of this post (as always) is that everyone should link to my blog, if only to correct this injustice.
*Strangely enough, this is the only true part of my post.
Cool Jesus
I found this article on Godspy about the idea of "Buddy Jesus". I don't really have anything to add. Just read it.
Yet Another Reason to Think Stephen Colbert is Amazing
Watch as he blindsides an (the?) unsuspecting representative of the District of Columbia. It's brutal but I love it.
If you want to know how much I like it, notice that this is the first link on this blog I have intentionally left the target=_blank tag off of. I like Stephen Colbert so much that I let him steal my window.
If you want to know how much I like it, notice that this is the first link on this blog I have intentionally left the target=_blank tag off of. I like Stephen Colbert so much that I let him steal my window.
How Many Writers Does it Take to Screw Up a Blog?
I realize that last post was pretty word and serious. So I'm going to atone for that by posting some "light bulb" jokes. Most of the good ones come from here.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5. One to hold the bulb and the other 4 to drink until the room spins around.
Q: How many authors of the Warren Report does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. Definitely only one. For sure. No doubt. So seriously, please stop asking questions.
And a couple that relate specifically to me:
Q: How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not many, I'm sure, seeing as the Polish are a very intelligent people (please don't break up with me).
Q: How many theology majors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows. Our house is chock-full of them and that bulb is still out.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5. One to hold the bulb and the other 4 to drink until the room spins around.
Q: How many authors of the Warren Report does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. Definitely only one. For sure. No doubt. So seriously, please stop asking questions.
And a couple that relate specifically to me:
Q: How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not many, I'm sure, seeing as the Polish are a very intelligent people (please don't break up with me).
Q: How many theology majors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows. Our house is chock-full of them and that bulb is still out.
Who-Given Rights?
I was listening to a podcast of Penn Jillette's radio show from a few days ago today and it sparked some thoughts.
Penn announced that last night, he had seen Dennis Miller pronounce "Guantanamo Bay" as "Gitmo" and that Mr. Miller had sounded pretty cool saying it. Wanting to sound cool as well, Penn decided to talk about "Gitmo" on his show. But then he was disappointed to realize that he knows a lot about monkeys and juggling but not much at all about detention camps. So he did something I respect a lot–he admitted he had minimal knowledge of anything at all about the place. He just allowed his listeners to call in to express their knowledge and opinions about the place.
I'm not sure I have a very strong opinion about "Gitmo" except that the prisoners are still people and should be treated like people. Other than that, I just don't know enough to make any kind of judgement. So don't expect this post to express my opinion. It's just a thought that is running around in my head while I try to corner it. Pardon me if I go in circles at some points.
It seems strange to me that an early justification for the war in Iraq was that everyone in every nation has the God-given right to democracy and freedom. Because these rights are for all humanity, it was justifiable to stop people like Saddam Hussein who were denying people those rights.
But now we have these detainees (I'm not sure how many of them are from Iraq and how many from Afghanistan, but for the purpose of this post it doesn't matter). There are arguments about how we should deal with those people. Some argue that they aren't American citizens so the due process clause of the Constitution doesn't apply to them. Others say that they are not actually prisoners of war because they don't wear a uniform or fight for a regular army.
Here's where I have to make an assumption (God made three, but He's three Persons. I think one is fair for me.) I assume the the many of the same people are making both of those arguments. I don't think the opponents of the war are the ones clamoring to keep people locked up in Cuba.
So how does this work? Do human beings have God-given universal rights to freedom and democracy? If they do, how do we justify locking them up indefinitely without being at least allowed some kind of "innocent until proven guilty"?
Or are these Founding Father-given rights guaranteed only to the people under the jursidiction of the Constitution? If so, how does that justify starting a war to bring those non-existent rights to people who aren't affected by the Constitution?
I guess I have kind of an opinion on this. I think all humans have a God-given right to a just society and the best government possible. But I'm not sure that is necessarily American, First Amendment-type rights. It would be awfully hard to argue that every government before the Constitution was absolutely immoral.
Other than that, I'm more interested in hearing people discuss this than in proving myself right. I could be wrong. Let's hear from the people.
Penn announced that last night, he had seen Dennis Miller pronounce "Guantanamo Bay" as "Gitmo" and that Mr. Miller had sounded pretty cool saying it. Wanting to sound cool as well, Penn decided to talk about "Gitmo" on his show. But then he was disappointed to realize that he knows a lot about monkeys and juggling but not much at all about detention camps. So he did something I respect a lot–he admitted he had minimal knowledge of anything at all about the place. He just allowed his listeners to call in to express their knowledge and opinions about the place.
I'm not sure I have a very strong opinion about "Gitmo" except that the prisoners are still people and should be treated like people. Other than that, I just don't know enough to make any kind of judgement. So don't expect this post to express my opinion. It's just a thought that is running around in my head while I try to corner it. Pardon me if I go in circles at some points.
It seems strange to me that an early justification for the war in Iraq was that everyone in every nation has the God-given right to democracy and freedom. Because these rights are for all humanity, it was justifiable to stop people like Saddam Hussein who were denying people those rights.
But now we have these detainees (I'm not sure how many of them are from Iraq and how many from Afghanistan, but for the purpose of this post it doesn't matter). There are arguments about how we should deal with those people. Some argue that they aren't American citizens so the due process clause of the Constitution doesn't apply to them. Others say that they are not actually prisoners of war because they don't wear a uniform or fight for a regular army.
Here's where I have to make an assumption (God made three, but He's three Persons. I think one is fair for me.) I assume the the many of the same people are making both of those arguments. I don't think the opponents of the war are the ones clamoring to keep people locked up in Cuba.
So how does this work? Do human beings have God-given universal rights to freedom and democracy? If they do, how do we justify locking them up indefinitely without being at least allowed some kind of "innocent until proven guilty"?
Or are these Founding Father-given rights guaranteed only to the people under the jursidiction of the Constitution? If so, how does that justify starting a war to bring those non-existent rights to people who aren't affected by the Constitution?
I guess I have kind of an opinion on this. I think all humans have a God-given right to a just society and the best government possible. But I'm not sure that is necessarily American, First Amendment-type rights. It would be awfully hard to argue that every government before the Constitution was absolutely immoral.
Other than that, I'm more interested in hearing people discuss this than in proving myself right. I could be wrong. Let's hear from the people.
Coming Clean
Recently Oprah Winfrey went public and announced what she is not. She, much like Superman, is definitely for sure 100% not, NOT, NOT gay. Seeing as the popular thing now is to stand up for who you aren't, I will jump on the bandwagon.
I am not a homosexual, a bisexual, a pedagogue or a polyglot.
I am not Homer Simpson, Homer Slockenheimer or Winslow Homer.
I did not compose The Iliad.
I am not a believer in homoiousious.
I do not work for Homeland Security.
I don't even own a home.
And, finally, so all of you will stop asking: I am not Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah:
Me:
Any questions?
I am not a homosexual, a bisexual, a pedagogue or a polyglot.
I am not Homer Simpson, Homer Slockenheimer or Winslow Homer.
I did not compose The Iliad.
I am not a believer in homoiousious.
I do not work for Homeland Security.
I don't even own a home.
And, finally, so all of you will stop asking: I am not Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah:
Me:
Any questions?
I Used to Snort Coke . . .
. . . but I got tired of getting ice cubes in my nose.
[crickets]
. . .And boy are my arms tired!
Uhh, anyway, my roommates and I decided to do what every other college student is doing too: mix Diet Coke and Mentos. Hilarity ensued. Speaking of sued, you should talk the guy whose car we splashed.
A bottle we drilled five holes into:
Me popping a Mento and drinking Diet Coke.
All to the tune of Ray Charles' God Bless America. I love this country.
[crickets]
. . .And boy are my arms tired!
Uhh, anyway, my roommates and I decided to do what every other college student is doing too: mix Diet Coke and Mentos. Hilarity ensued. Speaking of sued, you should talk the guy whose car we splashed.
A bottle we drilled five holes into:
Me popping a Mento and drinking Diet Coke.
All to the tune of Ray Charles' God Bless America. I love this country.
Superman Reviewed
Tommy posted a reflection on seeing Superman Returns in theaters (twice and counting, rest assured). He hits on most of the main reservations I had about the movie myself.
Could this be because we talked about it a lot last week? Or is just that he's just an Übermensch Genie as they say auf Deutschland? Or is he actually Superman? I have my suspicions, but I can't prove anything.
In the end, what really matters is that it's posted. Go read it. My blog will still be here when you get back.
Could this be because we talked about it a lot last week? Or is just that he's just an Übermensch Genie as they say auf Deutschland? Or is he actually Superman? I have my suspicions, but I can't prove anything.
In the end, what really matters is that it's posted. Go read it. My blog will still be here when you get back.
Another Music Award!
Today, I am proud to present another music award that has never before been given outside of my head. It's the Never Let You Go Award for Spectacularly Bad Songwriting.
This award commemorates the Third Eye Blind song, Never Let You Go, which contains several classic lines:
"You say that I've changed
Well maybe I did
But even if I changed
Whats wrong with it?"
and also
"If theres a reason
It's lost on me
Maybe we'll be friends
I guess we'll see"
As you can see, a song must follow in this these legendary footsteps to earn the prestigious NLYGAFSBS (or Nillygaffsibus, as they are affectionately known in the industry).
I am pleased to announce Nickelback!
Their song Photograph contains a number of clunkers. Practically every verse deserves a mention, but the opening lines are what really caught my attention:
"Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head?"
Not only are the words ridiculous (I don't know, what the hell is on Joey's head? The world may never know. And who the hell is Joey anyway?), but they don't have any semblance of rhythm. Just try to make those stresses and syllables fit into rhythmic pattern.
Undaunted by lyricism or melody writing, Nickelback plows on.
"And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out"
1) He just rhymed "up" with "up"!
2) The third line is just confusing.
3) Why does he go from talking about his dilapidated house to talking about sneaking out? To better transition into the next verse about skipping school? And if he hated school so much, why did he break in "half a dozen times"?
"Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed"
The awkwardness of the whole song, combined with the awkwardness of him telling us this and the awkwardness of the phrasing of this little confession, makes my teeth hurt like when when you bite down on ice.
The reason I am commenting on this relatively old song is that I heard it on the radio today and it caught my attention. When the song ended, the radio station I was listening to played a little commercial clip along the lines of "We play the music you want to hear!" I think that was their way of saying "You really have no one to blame but yourselves."
We honor you, Nickelback! Keep phoning in those lyrics, we can "hear you now!"
This award commemorates the Third Eye Blind song, Never Let You Go, which contains several classic lines:
"You say that I've changed
Well maybe I did
But even if I changed
Whats wrong with it?"
and also
"If theres a reason
It's lost on me
Maybe we'll be friends
I guess we'll see"
As you can see, a song must follow in this these legendary footsteps to earn the prestigious NLYGAFSBS (or Nillygaffsibus, as they are affectionately known in the industry).
I am pleased to announce Nickelback!
Their song Photograph contains a number of clunkers. Practically every verse deserves a mention, but the opening lines are what really caught my attention:
"Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head?"
Not only are the words ridiculous (I don't know, what the hell is on Joey's head? The world may never know. And who the hell is Joey anyway?), but they don't have any semblance of rhythm. Just try to make those stresses and syllables fit into rhythmic pattern.
Undaunted by lyricism or melody writing, Nickelback plows on.
"And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out"
1) He just rhymed "up" with "up"!
2) The third line is just confusing.
3) Why does he go from talking about his dilapidated house to talking about sneaking out? To better transition into the next verse about skipping school? And if he hated school so much, why did he break in "half a dozen times"?
"Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed"
The awkwardness of the whole song, combined with the awkwardness of him telling us this and the awkwardness of the phrasing of this little confession, makes my teeth hurt like when when you bite down on ice.
The reason I am commenting on this relatively old song is that I heard it on the radio today and it caught my attention. When the song ended, the radio station I was listening to played a little commercial clip along the lines of "We play the music you want to hear!" I think that was their way of saying "You really have no one to blame but yourselves."
We honor you, Nickelback! Keep phoning in those lyrics, we can "hear you now!"
Poor Decision Making
I had Taco Bell for lunch today, then Qdoba for dinner. My stomach and I are not on good terms right now.
I am Man, Hear Me Mutter
Now that I drive on the interstate to and from work, I suddenly care about traffic reports. I can't wait for them to come on the radio and when they do, I strain to hear my highway get mentioned.
It's not that it's telling me anything I didn't know. When I'm still a mile from work 15 minutes after I leave, I'm fully aware that there are delays on 94E.
It's not that they can do anything about it. That helicopter has yet to swoop down and pick me up like Frodo Baggins and his faithful Kia, Sam, coming back from Mt. Work.
What really makes me feel good is that they are commiserating with me. They are acknowledging that I am backed up in traffic and facing major delays as an accident is blocking the left lane and the end of a Brewer game is blocking the right. As they announce delays, I sneer grimly like a crusty old seaman preparing for another Nor'easter. Whatever the gods of traffic (Saturn? Mercury?) are brewing up, I can take it like a man.
And that is what makes life satisfying.
It's not that it's telling me anything I didn't know. When I'm still a mile from work 15 minutes after I leave, I'm fully aware that there are delays on 94E.
It's not that they can do anything about it. That helicopter has yet to swoop down and pick me up like Frodo Baggins and his faithful Kia, Sam, coming back from Mt. Work.
What really makes me feel good is that they are commiserating with me. They are acknowledging that I am backed up in traffic and facing major delays as an accident is blocking the left lane and the end of a Brewer game is blocking the right. As they announce delays, I sneer grimly like a crusty old seaman preparing for another Nor'easter. Whatever the gods of traffic (Saturn? Mercury?) are brewing up, I can take it like a man.
And that is what makes life satisfying.
Heads Up!
You're in luck, Flametroll fan(s)! I have a double dose of bloggness coming down the pipeline.
First point of business:
We got a newsletter at work today. The last article was my favorite. It was about the small tasks that drag people down, like returning voicemail and answering email, rather than working on high priority tasks. It had many tips including this one that I swear to Dave Barry I am not making up:
First point of business:
We got a newsletter at work today. The last article was my favorite. It was about the small tasks that drag people down, like returning voicemail and answering email, rather than working on high priority tasks. It had many tips including this one that I swear to Dave Barry I am not making up:
"Lower your standards. What is the minimum acceptable level of quality which can get by for this task?"
Special "2006 Music Awards" Edition!
Today, after much anticipation, I am publicly announcing an award that I have been giving in my head on a fairly consistent basis (and the whole point of this blog is so that nothing will have to just stay in my head. It gets foisted off onto the blog-reading public.). Without further ado, I present to you. . . .The 2006 Crash Into Me Award!
This award is named after the popular 1996 Dave Matthews Band single. Boasting those immortal words of love "Oh I watch you there/Through the window/And I stare at you/You wear nothing/But you wear it so well," Crash Into Me has taken its position among the creepiest popular songs of all time.
Winners have included Clay Aiken ("If I was invisible/Then I could just watch you in your room") and Shaggy (It Wasn't Me, lyrics not included in order to keep this blog from having to go to confession).
But this year's winner stands with the best of them.
James Blunt, come on down and claim your prize!
His hit song Beautiful contains a warm fuzzy chorus ("You're beautiful/You're beautiful/You're beautiful") that many people probably don't bother to listen past.
For those of you who haven't listened closely, let me paraphrase:
James Blunt's life is brilliant and his love is pure. So pure that he rides subways (while high) and looks for beautiful women. One of them in particular catches his eye. She's with another man, but that's ok because he's "got a plan." (Did he rhyme "plan" with "another man"? You betcha!) No word on whether that "plan" involves the "other man" and an icepick.
Soon enough, though, he apparently comes down off his buzz and goes home to have a snack. A chorus and half a verse later he realizes he'll never see her again. Great plan, Cheech. Go get some Cheetos.
But Mr. Blunt doesn't let that failure get him down. He knows that they "shared a moment that will last 'til the end." Apparently, ogling women on public transit is considered "a moment" now.
Congratulations, James Blunt!
By the way, yes I did just steal a random goofy trophy from a Google image search. But I'm going to Photoshop a trophy one of these days. Goodness knows I'll probably need it again. Songs worthy of a Crash Into Me Award come out often enough.
Stupid hard drives. . .
A hard drive crash/blip/weirdness has put my computer down for the count. That's part of the reason I haven't been blogging. Other than that, I've been busy and lazy.
Not that I owe you schlubs an apology. Go out there and write your own stuff.
Not that I owe you schlubs an apology. Go out there and write your own stuff.
So Cool They're Hot!
Recently, I opened a box of Pop Tarts©. Normally that's not blogworthy (not that this really is, but I'm doing it anyway). On the silver foil wrapper, there was a little cartoon.
This was the first one.
If that is hard to read, it shows a cartoon man in a fez talking to a Pop Tart genie coming out of a toaster. He says to the genie "Hey, you shop there too?"
Hang on, it gets weirder.
In this scene, two girls are dancing to the beat of a Godzilla monster. It must be disco, based on the way they are dancing. But the monster is dressed more like Frank Sinatra. (Take note of the girl on the left, she's a recurring character)
This one marks the first appearance of Mr. Mouthpants. Look at the disturbed look on that Pop Tart guy's face. Clearly, even in the twisted world of Pop Tart wrapper cartoons, people are not supposed to have a mouth there.
This one just seems kind of dirty.
This was the first one.
If that is hard to read, it shows a cartoon man in a fez talking to a Pop Tart genie coming out of a toaster. He says to the genie "Hey, you shop there too?"
Hang on, it gets weirder.
In this scene, two girls are dancing to the beat of a Godzilla monster. It must be disco, based on the way they are dancing. But the monster is dressed more like Frank Sinatra. (Take note of the girl on the left, she's a recurring character)
This one marks the first appearance of Mr. Mouthpants. Look at the disturbed look on that Pop Tart guy's face. Clearly, even in the twisted world of Pop Tart wrapper cartoons, people are not supposed to have a mouth there.
This one just seems kind of dirty.
