Watch as he blindsides an (the?) unsuspecting representative of the District of Columbia. It's brutal but I love it.
If you want to know how much I like it, notice that this is the first link on this blog I have intentionally left the target=_blank tag off of. I like Stephen Colbert so much that I let him steal my window.
How Many Writers Does it Take to Screw Up a Blog?
I realize that last post was pretty word and serious. So I'm going to atone for that by posting some "light bulb" jokes. Most of the good ones come from here.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5. One to hold the bulb and the other 4 to drink until the room spins around.
Q: How many authors of the Warren Report does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. Definitely only one. For sure. No doubt. So seriously, please stop asking questions.
And a couple that relate specifically to me:
Q: How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not many, I'm sure, seeing as the Polish are a very intelligent people (please don't break up with me).
Q: How many theology majors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows. Our house is chock-full of them and that bulb is still out.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5. One to hold the bulb and the other 4 to drink until the room spins around.
Q: How many authors of the Warren Report does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. Definitely only one. For sure. No doubt. So seriously, please stop asking questions.
And a couple that relate specifically to me:
Q: How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not many, I'm sure, seeing as the Polish are a very intelligent people (please don't break up with me).
Q: How many theology majors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows. Our house is chock-full of them and that bulb is still out.
Who-Given Rights?
I was listening to a podcast of Penn Jillette's radio show from a few days ago today and it sparked some thoughts.
Penn announced that last night, he had seen Dennis Miller pronounce "Guantanamo Bay" as "Gitmo" and that Mr. Miller had sounded pretty cool saying it. Wanting to sound cool as well, Penn decided to talk about "Gitmo" on his show. But then he was disappointed to realize that he knows a lot about monkeys and juggling but not much at all about detention camps. So he did something I respect a lot–he admitted he had minimal knowledge of anything at all about the place. He just allowed his listeners to call in to express their knowledge and opinions about the place.
I'm not sure I have a very strong opinion about "Gitmo" except that the prisoners are still people and should be treated like people. Other than that, I just don't know enough to make any kind of judgement. So don't expect this post to express my opinion. It's just a thought that is running around in my head while I try to corner it. Pardon me if I go in circles at some points.
It seems strange to me that an early justification for the war in Iraq was that everyone in every nation has the God-given right to democracy and freedom. Because these rights are for all humanity, it was justifiable to stop people like Saddam Hussein who were denying people those rights.
But now we have these detainees (I'm not sure how many of them are from Iraq and how many from Afghanistan, but for the purpose of this post it doesn't matter). There are arguments about how we should deal with those people. Some argue that they aren't American citizens so the due process clause of the Constitution doesn't apply to them. Others say that they are not actually prisoners of war because they don't wear a uniform or fight for a regular army.
Here's where I have to make an assumption (God made three, but He's three Persons. I think one is fair for me.) I assume the the many of the same people are making both of those arguments. I don't think the opponents of the war are the ones clamoring to keep people locked up in Cuba.
So how does this work? Do human beings have God-given universal rights to freedom and democracy? If they do, how do we justify locking them up indefinitely without being at least allowed some kind of "innocent until proven guilty"?
Or are these Founding Father-given rights guaranteed only to the people under the jursidiction of the Constitution? If so, how does that justify starting a war to bring those non-existent rights to people who aren't affected by the Constitution?
I guess I have kind of an opinion on this. I think all humans have a God-given right to a just society and the best government possible. But I'm not sure that is necessarily American, First Amendment-type rights. It would be awfully hard to argue that every government before the Constitution was absolutely immoral.
Other than that, I'm more interested in hearing people discuss this than in proving myself right. I could be wrong. Let's hear from the people.
Penn announced that last night, he had seen Dennis Miller pronounce "Guantanamo Bay" as "Gitmo" and that Mr. Miller had sounded pretty cool saying it. Wanting to sound cool as well, Penn decided to talk about "Gitmo" on his show. But then he was disappointed to realize that he knows a lot about monkeys and juggling but not much at all about detention camps. So he did something I respect a lot–he admitted he had minimal knowledge of anything at all about the place. He just allowed his listeners to call in to express their knowledge and opinions about the place.
I'm not sure I have a very strong opinion about "Gitmo" except that the prisoners are still people and should be treated like people. Other than that, I just don't know enough to make any kind of judgement. So don't expect this post to express my opinion. It's just a thought that is running around in my head while I try to corner it. Pardon me if I go in circles at some points.
It seems strange to me that an early justification for the war in Iraq was that everyone in every nation has the God-given right to democracy and freedom. Because these rights are for all humanity, it was justifiable to stop people like Saddam Hussein who were denying people those rights.
But now we have these detainees (I'm not sure how many of them are from Iraq and how many from Afghanistan, but for the purpose of this post it doesn't matter). There are arguments about how we should deal with those people. Some argue that they aren't American citizens so the due process clause of the Constitution doesn't apply to them. Others say that they are not actually prisoners of war because they don't wear a uniform or fight for a regular army.
Here's where I have to make an assumption (God made three, but He's three Persons. I think one is fair for me.) I assume the the many of the same people are making both of those arguments. I don't think the opponents of the war are the ones clamoring to keep people locked up in Cuba.
So how does this work? Do human beings have God-given universal rights to freedom and democracy? If they do, how do we justify locking them up indefinitely without being at least allowed some kind of "innocent until proven guilty"?
Or are these Founding Father-given rights guaranteed only to the people under the jursidiction of the Constitution? If so, how does that justify starting a war to bring those non-existent rights to people who aren't affected by the Constitution?
I guess I have kind of an opinion on this. I think all humans have a God-given right to a just society and the best government possible. But I'm not sure that is necessarily American, First Amendment-type rights. It would be awfully hard to argue that every government before the Constitution was absolutely immoral.
Other than that, I'm more interested in hearing people discuss this than in proving myself right. I could be wrong. Let's hear from the people.
Coming Clean
Recently Oprah Winfrey went public and announced what she is not. She, much like Superman, is definitely for sure 100% not, NOT, NOT gay. Seeing as the popular thing now is to stand up for who you aren't, I will jump on the bandwagon.
I am not a homosexual, a bisexual, a pedagogue or a polyglot.
I am not Homer Simpson, Homer Slockenheimer or Winslow Homer.
I did not compose The Iliad.
I am not a believer in homoiousious.
I do not work for Homeland Security.
I don't even own a home.
And, finally, so all of you will stop asking: I am not Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah:
Me:
Any questions?
I am not a homosexual, a bisexual, a pedagogue or a polyglot.
I am not Homer Simpson, Homer Slockenheimer or Winslow Homer.
I did not compose The Iliad.
I am not a believer in homoiousious.
I do not work for Homeland Security.
I don't even own a home.
And, finally, so all of you will stop asking: I am not Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah:
Me:
Any questions?
I Used to Snort Coke . . .
. . . but I got tired of getting ice cubes in my nose.
[crickets]
. . .And boy are my arms tired!
Uhh, anyway, my roommates and I decided to do what every other college student is doing too: mix Diet Coke and Mentos. Hilarity ensued. Speaking of sued, you should talk the guy whose car we splashed.
A bottle we drilled five holes into:
Me popping a Mento and drinking Diet Coke.
All to the tune of Ray Charles' God Bless America. I love this country.
[crickets]
. . .And boy are my arms tired!
Uhh, anyway, my roommates and I decided to do what every other college student is doing too: mix Diet Coke and Mentos. Hilarity ensued. Speaking of sued, you should talk the guy whose car we splashed.
A bottle we drilled five holes into:
Me popping a Mento and drinking Diet Coke.
All to the tune of Ray Charles' God Bless America. I love this country.
Superman Reviewed
Tommy posted a reflection on seeing Superman Returns in theaters (twice and counting, rest assured). He hits on most of the main reservations I had about the movie myself.
Could this be because we talked about it a lot last week? Or is just that he's just an Übermensch Genie as they say auf Deutschland? Or is he actually Superman? I have my suspicions, but I can't prove anything.
In the end, what really matters is that it's posted. Go read it. My blog will still be here when you get back.
Could this be because we talked about it a lot last week? Or is just that he's just an Übermensch Genie as they say auf Deutschland? Or is he actually Superman? I have my suspicions, but I can't prove anything.
In the end, what really matters is that it's posted. Go read it. My blog will still be here when you get back.
Another Music Award!
Today, I am proud to present another music award that has never before been given outside of my head. It's the Never Let You Go Award for Spectacularly Bad Songwriting.
This award commemorates the Third Eye Blind song, Never Let You Go, which contains several classic lines:
"You say that I've changed
Well maybe I did
But even if I changed
Whats wrong with it?"
and also
"If theres a reason
It's lost on me
Maybe we'll be friends
I guess we'll see"
As you can see, a song must follow in this these legendary footsteps to earn the prestigious NLYGAFSBS (or Nillygaffsibus, as they are affectionately known in the industry).
I am pleased to announce Nickelback!
Their song Photograph contains a number of clunkers. Practically every verse deserves a mention, but the opening lines are what really caught my attention:
"Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head?"
Not only are the words ridiculous (I don't know, what the hell is on Joey's head? The world may never know. And who the hell is Joey anyway?), but they don't have any semblance of rhythm. Just try to make those stresses and syllables fit into rhythmic pattern.
Undaunted by lyricism or melody writing, Nickelback plows on.
"And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out"
1) He just rhymed "up" with "up"!
2) The third line is just confusing.
3) Why does he go from talking about his dilapidated house to talking about sneaking out? To better transition into the next verse about skipping school? And if he hated school so much, why did he break in "half a dozen times"?
"Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed"
The awkwardness of the whole song, combined with the awkwardness of him telling us this and the awkwardness of the phrasing of this little confession, makes my teeth hurt like when when you bite down on ice.
The reason I am commenting on this relatively old song is that I heard it on the radio today and it caught my attention. When the song ended, the radio station I was listening to played a little commercial clip along the lines of "We play the music you want to hear!" I think that was their way of saying "You really have no one to blame but yourselves."
We honor you, Nickelback! Keep phoning in those lyrics, we can "hear you now!"
This award commemorates the Third Eye Blind song, Never Let You Go, which contains several classic lines:
"You say that I've changed
Well maybe I did
But even if I changed
Whats wrong with it?"
and also
"If theres a reason
It's lost on me
Maybe we'll be friends
I guess we'll see"
As you can see, a song must follow in this these legendary footsteps to earn the prestigious NLYGAFSBS (or Nillygaffsibus, as they are affectionately known in the industry).
I am pleased to announce Nickelback!
Their song Photograph contains a number of clunkers. Practically every verse deserves a mention, but the opening lines are what really caught my attention:
"Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head?"
Not only are the words ridiculous (I don't know, what the hell is on Joey's head? The world may never know. And who the hell is Joey anyway?), but they don't have any semblance of rhythm. Just try to make those stresses and syllables fit into rhythmic pattern.
Undaunted by lyricism or melody writing, Nickelback plows on.
"And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out"
1) He just rhymed "up" with "up"!
2) The third line is just confusing.
3) Why does he go from talking about his dilapidated house to talking about sneaking out? To better transition into the next verse about skipping school? And if he hated school so much, why did he break in "half a dozen times"?
"Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed"
The awkwardness of the whole song, combined with the awkwardness of him telling us this and the awkwardness of the phrasing of this little confession, makes my teeth hurt like when when you bite down on ice.
The reason I am commenting on this relatively old song is that I heard it on the radio today and it caught my attention. When the song ended, the radio station I was listening to played a little commercial clip along the lines of "We play the music you want to hear!" I think that was their way of saying "You really have no one to blame but yourselves."
We honor you, Nickelback! Keep phoning in those lyrics, we can "hear you now!"
Poor Decision Making
I had Taco Bell for lunch today, then Qdoba for dinner. My stomach and I are not on good terms right now.
I am Man, Hear Me Mutter
Now that I drive on the interstate to and from work, I suddenly care about traffic reports. I can't wait for them to come on the radio and when they do, I strain to hear my highway get mentioned.
It's not that it's telling me anything I didn't know. When I'm still a mile from work 15 minutes after I leave, I'm fully aware that there are delays on 94E.
It's not that they can do anything about it. That helicopter has yet to swoop down and pick me up like Frodo Baggins and his faithful Kia, Sam, coming back from Mt. Work.
What really makes me feel good is that they are commiserating with me. They are acknowledging that I am backed up in traffic and facing major delays as an accident is blocking the left lane and the end of a Brewer game is blocking the right. As they announce delays, I sneer grimly like a crusty old seaman preparing for another Nor'easter. Whatever the gods of traffic (Saturn? Mercury?) are brewing up, I can take it like a man.
And that is what makes life satisfying.
It's not that it's telling me anything I didn't know. When I'm still a mile from work 15 minutes after I leave, I'm fully aware that there are delays on 94E.
It's not that they can do anything about it. That helicopter has yet to swoop down and pick me up like Frodo Baggins and his faithful Kia, Sam, coming back from Mt. Work.
What really makes me feel good is that they are commiserating with me. They are acknowledging that I am backed up in traffic and facing major delays as an accident is blocking the left lane and the end of a Brewer game is blocking the right. As they announce delays, I sneer grimly like a crusty old seaman preparing for another Nor'easter. Whatever the gods of traffic (Saturn? Mercury?) are brewing up, I can take it like a man.
And that is what makes life satisfying.
Heads Up!
You're in luck, Flametroll fan(s)! I have a double dose of bloggness coming down the pipeline.
First point of business:
We got a newsletter at work today. The last article was my favorite. It was about the small tasks that drag people down, like returning voicemail and answering email, rather than working on high priority tasks. It had many tips including this one that I swear to Dave Barry I am not making up:
First point of business:
We got a newsletter at work today. The last article was my favorite. It was about the small tasks that drag people down, like returning voicemail and answering email, rather than working on high priority tasks. It had many tips including this one that I swear to Dave Barry I am not making up:
"Lower your standards. What is the minimum acceptable level of quality which can get by for this task?"
Special "2006 Music Awards" Edition!
Today, after much anticipation, I am publicly announcing an award that I have been giving in my head on a fairly consistent basis (and the whole point of this blog is so that nothing will have to just stay in my head. It gets foisted off onto the blog-reading public.). Without further ado, I present to you. . . .The 2006 Crash Into Me Award!
This award is named after the popular 1996 Dave Matthews Band single. Boasting those immortal words of love "Oh I watch you there/Through the window/And I stare at you/You wear nothing/But you wear it so well," Crash Into Me has taken its position among the creepiest popular songs of all time.
Winners have included Clay Aiken ("If I was invisible/Then I could just watch you in your room") and Shaggy (It Wasn't Me, lyrics not included in order to keep this blog from having to go to confession).
But this year's winner stands with the best of them.
James Blunt, come on down and claim your prize!
His hit song Beautiful contains a warm fuzzy chorus ("You're beautiful/You're beautiful/You're beautiful") that many people probably don't bother to listen past.
For those of you who haven't listened closely, let me paraphrase:
James Blunt's life is brilliant and his love is pure. So pure that he rides subways (while high) and looks for beautiful women. One of them in particular catches his eye. She's with another man, but that's ok because he's "got a plan." (Did he rhyme "plan" with "another man"? You betcha!) No word on whether that "plan" involves the "other man" and an icepick.
Soon enough, though, he apparently comes down off his buzz and goes home to have a snack. A chorus and half a verse later he realizes he'll never see her again. Great plan, Cheech. Go get some Cheetos.
But Mr. Blunt doesn't let that failure get him down. He knows that they "shared a moment that will last 'til the end." Apparently, ogling women on public transit is considered "a moment" now.
Congratulations, James Blunt!
By the way, yes I did just steal a random goofy trophy from a Google image search. But I'm going to Photoshop a trophy one of these days. Goodness knows I'll probably need it again. Songs worthy of a Crash Into Me Award come out often enough.
Stupid hard drives. . .
A hard drive crash/blip/weirdness has put my computer down for the count. That's part of the reason I haven't been blogging. Other than that, I've been busy and lazy.
Not that I owe you schlubs an apology. Go out there and write your own stuff.
Not that I owe you schlubs an apology. Go out there and write your own stuff.
So Cool They're Hot!
Recently, I opened a box of Pop Tarts©. Normally that's not blogworthy (not that this really is, but I'm doing it anyway). On the silver foil wrapper, there was a little cartoon.
This was the first one.
If that is hard to read, it shows a cartoon man in a fez talking to a Pop Tart genie coming out of a toaster. He says to the genie "Hey, you shop there too?"
Hang on, it gets weirder.
In this scene, two girls are dancing to the beat of a Godzilla monster. It must be disco, based on the way they are dancing. But the monster is dressed more like Frank Sinatra. (Take note of the girl on the left, she's a recurring character)
This one marks the first appearance of Mr. Mouthpants. Look at the disturbed look on that Pop Tart guy's face. Clearly, even in the twisted world of Pop Tart wrapper cartoons, people are not supposed to have a mouth there.
This one just seems kind of dirty.
This was the first one.
If that is hard to read, it shows a cartoon man in a fez talking to a Pop Tart genie coming out of a toaster. He says to the genie "Hey, you shop there too?"
Hang on, it gets weirder.
In this scene, two girls are dancing to the beat of a Godzilla monster. It must be disco, based on the way they are dancing. But the monster is dressed more like Frank Sinatra. (Take note of the girl on the left, she's a recurring character)
This one marks the first appearance of Mr. Mouthpants. Look at the disturbed look on that Pop Tart guy's face. Clearly, even in the twisted world of Pop Tart wrapper cartoons, people are not supposed to have a mouth there.
This one just seems kind of dirty.
I'm Still Alive She Said / But Do I Deserve to Be?
Hello World, I'm still here. I took a break from blogging for Lent, but now I'm back.
Just like Conan O'Brien I've got a bunch of great stuff for you coming up. I have posts about pop-tart wrappers and frustration with my phone company and all kinds of good stuff.
But right now, I'm going to eat some candy.
Just like Conan O'Brien I've got a bunch of great stuff for you coming up. I have posts about pop-tart wrappers and frustration with my phone company and all kinds of good stuff.
But right now, I'm going to eat some candy.
I Can Write This Off as Work!
I'm writing an article about blog services for The Warrior. As a comparison, I'm posting the same story here that I put on my blogstream example.
**********
I began thinking today about the pros and cons of the eggs in Cobeen's cafeteria. . .
**********
I began thinking today about the pros and cons of the eggs in Cobeen's cafeteria. . .
| | |
| Made with fake egg product | Made with love by Leigh the omelet cook |
| Full of sodium | Full of ham and cheese |
| Greasy | Satisfying |
Diagnosis: delicious!
An Educational Experience
Today in anthropology, the video we were watching was interrupted by a taped-over episode of "Sex and the City." The video was about gender relations, so most of the class didn't even notice the difference.
But our professor sprung into action, going downstairs to get a new VCR. Apparently, this was the model that converts video of women giving academic lectures into episodes of "Sex and the City." After a delay, it turns out that the other VCR was the same model. Marquette's AV department hasn't fully switched over to the newer "Sex and the City"-into-academic lecture model yet.
So our professor fast-forwarded through the half hour episode (I saw some "gender relations" going on), and we continued the video.
. . .and then I found ten bucks.
But our professor sprung into action, going downstairs to get a new VCR. Apparently, this was the model that converts video of women giving academic lectures into episodes of "Sex and the City." After a delay, it turns out that the other VCR was the same model. Marquette's AV department hasn't fully switched over to the newer "Sex and the City"-into-academic lecture model yet.
So our professor fast-forwarded through the half hour episode (I saw some "gender relations" going on), and we continued the video.
. . .and then I found ten bucks.
What Kind of Heretic Are You?
Find out here.I scored 100% Council of Chalcedon compliant! Strangely, I scored 67% on Pelagianism. I'm a little nervous about that. All this time I've spent earning my way into heaven, and I might blow it all by being a heretic.
I'm still here
I was going to write about how terrible the movie Syriana is, but I don't feel all that funny today. Anyway, I haven't died or anything. I'm sure you're glad to know.
Google gave me this link: St. Lawrence Distributes Food to the Poo.
Google gave me this link: St. Lawrence Distributes Food to the Poo.
